Horoscope for the week of April 3, 2006

There is an unusual aspect of The Stars in the Heavens this week. It is called the Spring of the Spring-Nut. Spring, in this case, is a Hittite word for the geometrical aspect of planets; Spring-Nut refers to the species of tree nut that rules the season of spring.

This is your Get out of Jail free weekly horoscope: The first person to get back to me gets to write their own horoscope for that week - but this week only. You have to clearly identify which sign this is refering too. Hurry! If I like your version, I will sprinkle magic dust and do a strange ritual that will make it come true. Make haste! There are still a few spots open before the deadline of today is reached.

ARIES (Courtesy of BitterXWyfe) Your new car will have a cabin fire on the freeway which will burn off all your hair. That barely legal tramp you are bouncing when you should be cleaning the bathroom at your ex-wife's house, will realize that you are a dumbass.

TAURUS (Courtesy of BossOfLittleElse) A dutifull and attentive attitude at work is called for this week. Be punctual and silent when receiving instructions. Bring the boss coffee this week: large, single creme, three sugars. Do extra chores but do not expect recognition, only the feeling of successful servitude.

GEMINII (Courtesy of Maximinus Thrax) Your enemies will flee from you, even when you are outnumbered two to one and face a tactical disadvantage. The spirit of Victory in War is with you, so act swiftly and apply all your forces to forward your agenda.

CANCER (Courtesy of ChefCaligula) It is time to accept the fact that you know better than everyone else. You have a duty to make people do what is good for them. Start with Mallard, the homeless philosopher who lives in the bus shelter. Feed him your Bran-Prune muffins on Thursday

LEO (Courtesy of RadicalPeaceWarrior) Meditate the entire week on the subject of your favourite flower and how insects live lives without conflict. Give a large sum of money to the pet food store to buy food for the raccoons and skunks.

VIRGO (Courtesy of SonjiaDeSade) Stock up on baby powder and do routine maintenance on your collection of latex fetish party gear. Explore a new look and take the money from the modelling agency. Be freaky at the meeting on Wednesday.

CAPRICORN The three people you are seducing will all move in and out of your private club with mathematical precision, leaving you time and liquor money to bend them to your simple and hearty sexual tastes. You will win at the sports pool.

PISCES (Courtesy of the River Rat) This week will bring you untold wealth in the form of used lotto tickets and granola bar wrappers. The neighbors wife you have been stalking will finally sucumb to your advances before you find out that her husband has AIDS. A cheesecake would be good now.