High Heels are the Best Form of Birth Control

No, I'm not all goofed up of meth this morning, I'm serious, high heels and fertility just don't mix:

An expert says the unnatural stance women adopt when they wear five-inch killer heels can affect their internal organs and fertility.

"The forward tilting of the pelvis allows the abdominal contents to spill forward, producing that 'pooch' which many women have wrongly come to think of a 'fat stomach'.

"In doing so, they compress internal organs in a condition known as visceroptosis.

"When you wear high-heels, the pressure on the front of the foot causes you to compensate by excessive forward tilting of the pelvis.

"If left unchecked, this can lead to menstrual dysfunction and increases in period pains as well as affecting the ability to conceive."

The only thing sadder than menstrual dysfunction is actual menstruation. I'm not exactly sure what I meant by that, and I'm certainly not saying that when the little Danish girl is on her period that she can be an evil bitch, I'm definitely not saying that.

This might be a good time to apologize. I'm sorry, I really dig your menstrual cycle, you are nothing if not happy and gracious when aunt Flo comes to visit. Seriously, baby, you have to forgive me...put the knife down you crazy psycho nutjob, it's just a joke. For the love of God, please don't make me watch The View...Oh no, what have I done?

Sing it with me, *Fat old chicks in skirts and boots* la dee dee dee da