Horoscope for September 19 through September 26

At long last the full moon has passed and I can go out in public again. Special thanks to all those who sent money and helped out! ikthis is happy in his new home, Fenris got him a job in a quarry in Jamaica.

Aries Sure, they made you suffer on your way out, because they knew you were on your way up. This is a week for gloating, Aries. Stay away from the pasta in strange eateries.

Taurus Get a grip on reality, Taurus, and have the large size greek salad. You will never lose weight by eating less, only by moving more. Enjoy a contest of stubborness on Wednesday ... how about going to the dog fights?

Gemini Your evil ex-boss is starting to feel the effects of the asbestos you dusted into his office air vent. Ah yes, revenge. You should drop in on Tuesday to have a good look at his pale clammy skin, and listen to his hacking cough. Buy him a pack of his favorite smokes if you want to end his misery.

Cancer Climactic conditions favour the perfect quiche for the party on Friday. Make sure the dog doesn't get into the loco weed, for that matter, make sure the teenagers don't either.

Leo That dust you keep finding in the house is asbestos. It is the least deadly kind, and is blowing into your house from a construction site a few miles upwind. Maybe you should consider a few nights at a motel until the dust plume works its way into the neighbouring ghetto.

Virgo The dessert your aunt made you as reward for cleaning her house has turned. Do not eat it! Maybe you should feed it to the garbage disposal.

Libra Another pregnancy scare! This time it is false. Maybe that love potion you drank was a little too strong. Strangle your problems in the cradle on Tuesday ... you will feel better.

Scorpio Your experiments in necromancy are going to bear fruit of the most exotic kind. You will meet a tall dark stranger at a fetish club who has the exact opposite gender to what you think.

Sagittaurus Another drunken weekend leads to a sobering week, and another drunken weekend. Maybe you should sort the clothes on your bed ... and you will find your lunch from last week.

Capricorn Having weathered the storm it is time for you to plan fresh conquests. No more kraft dinner for you! Feed the guy you have chained up in the basement or you won't be able to use him to fake your own death next week.

Aquarius You will realize that someone in your pressure group is really a spy for Karl Rove. Maybe it is time to change sides.

Pisces There are only black cats living in your new building. You will realize on Thursday that you are living in a pagan fraternity house.



I, Sargon the Magnificent, dictated this to Sonjia De Sade, who does shorthand poorly, but gives massage much better