Read My Palm, Sisters

The new Family Guy was pretty funny tonight. It took me a while to get use to the characters, but after I got over that it seemed to get really funny. Call U Next Tuesday, that was hilarious.

Eight(8) days ago I posted a piece about how I could predict peoples futures and pasts as good as any *psychic*. When I posted that piece I was kind of loaded, I never should have posted it, I was over my head. Having said that, I'm going to attempt it tonight, I'm going to predict Ed, Sargon and the Partisan Pundit . All three of my participants left their birthdates in my comment box, that is the only information I will use when predicting, I'm flying solo tonight. In no particular order, here I go.

Ed 11/29/81

You are a reliable person, a person who will say he will do something and then do it. You can always count on Ed to be there if you ask him to. A person you can trust, but a person who demands trust back. You are a person who can think through a situation logically and reacts with calm in hectic situations. You come from a middle class family, your family wasn't swimming in money, but it was never hurting for it either. You liked hard rock and roll but you never fit the image of a headbanger. You have had a few serious relationships that went south but you're not jaded. You would like to find a good girl and settle down, that's always in the back of your mind no matter what you might say.

Your future is bright, you just have to smoke 40% less pot and you'll be okay. Your mom would weep if she saw the way you and your barbarian like friends party. You have to take it easier and stop lighting up the joint all the time, it's time to save a little money and get a nice place. You will get ahold of yourself soon and you will get a nice place, and a cool car, not like that piece of shit your driving now, you'll do well. I feel you need to drop some negative influences you have in your life, I feel that they pull you down. I see a wife and a few mouths in your future, I see a Labrador, yes, I see you own a black Lab Retriever. Wow, the stars are shining on you tonight, white boy.

Here are my suggestions for you. Bang that broad who sits over at the other desk, the one to the right of you. Sure she's not the hottest thing around, but grow your confidence. Experiment with her, take her to a rave or something, show her a life she never dreamed possible. And if she can cook you should shack up with her.

Sargon January 11, 1961.

You were born into a upper middle class home, you ate a lot of ham as a child. I think you are of British origin, maybe English, but I'm thinking you're Irish. You have always had a sense of humour that not everyone understands, but it is brilliant. You wonder how people got ahead of you on the food chain, they didn't deserve to move ahead, you did. You have the ability to prop someone up with your words, and you have the ability to destroy people with them also. This is your greatest strength, and you know it better than anyone(except for me, I'm a fucking psychic).

Your childhood was marred by an untimely incident that happened in your playground when you were 7. It hurts you to remember the time when the ice cream truck pulled up to the playground, and when the window of the ice cream truck opened up, there stood your father. The look of ridicule on all your chums faces has stuck with you to this very day. Your father was peddling ice cream so he could have more money for his family, but you still don't get it.

Your future is amazing, you are destined for great things. It won't happen for a few more years, but eventually you'll write some short essays, or satire, and someone will pick it up and you'll get a pretty sweet writing deal for a major publication. I can't see the publications name, but it has the word "Lampoon" in it.

It's possible you have a wife or a girlfriend right now, but the girl you'll end up with will *get* you. You are a misunderstood person, but there are plenty of people like you, they just hide mostly. But your future is bright, better wear shades, yuck yuck yuck.

Partisan Pundit 6/23/66

You grew up in a middle class family, White Anglo Saxon Protestant. You had loving parents, you went to Church, you went to a good college, and you're a good family man. You'd do anything to protect your family, just as your father would have for you. You're family is everything to you, and just the thought of eating boiled vegetables makes you cry for your mom. You hated eating Sheppards Pie as a child, but you love it as an adult. You also ate a lot of ham.

As much as you are conservative, you also want to let loose in the worst way and become a complete dick. You're dying to be able to type the word "fuck" without looking over your shoulder, it's okay to admit it, it's admittable. You would just love to pick up a brick and throw it right through a Wal-Mart window, you dream about it, you relish the thought. You would love to view more porn, but when is enough, enough?

You have a very stable future, you'll do very well financially, and you won't experience any major heartaches, you'll have a few smaller ones, but nothing tragic. You will however be caught having sex on tape with one of the Dixie Twins, and it's not one of the two cute ones. This will cause some pain with your third wife. Oh ya, and you'll get caught dead to rights in a host of paternity suits, but other than that you'll be fine.

Remember, I don't know these people, this is all from my *psychic* abilities. Do me a favour and tell me how I did, and if you would like your fortune read, tell me your birthday and I'll be glad to amaze you.

This is a paid service from the Mayor of Mitchieville, Re-elect the Mayor 2005