Me So Sorry

I got an email the other day basically threatening me with a defamation lawsuit if I keep up the jokes about Angelina Jolie and the times we spent together. It is claimed that my references to having gratuitous, hard core sex with said Angelina Jolie is some sort of *character assassination*. If I do not cease immediately to stop with my charades there will be a huge lawsuit on my hands.

Well, I better apologize.

Dear Mr Birnstein,

Me so sorry. Me so sorry for all the nasty remarks I made regarding your client, the beautiful Angelina Jolie. Me so sorry for calling her names, like slut, and whore, I only said that when we were having sex, or when she use to watch Sex in the City. I'm so sorry for calling the vivacious, illuminating, incredibly *talented*, Angelina Jolie, a tramp and a bitch and a low down, dirty liar. I only said those things because she stole my wallet.

Me so sorry for making references, numerous times, to giving Angelina Jolie rough anal sex. Trust me, if you ever saw the size of my penis, you would know there is no way in the world she could ever withstand the blitzkrieg of it. Me so sorry for making your client, the most shiningist star in Hollywood, feel like a dirty, used, tossed away Kleenex. Saying that you can take the girl out of the Ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the girl is rather harsh, but it doesn't mean it's not true.

Me so sorry for the story I told of how Angelina and I use to soak ether into a rag and knock out Brad Pitt. And when he woke up he was in a cage and had to watch Me, Angelina Jolie, 3 pregnant midget women, and 2 random drive through Burger King tellers, have gratuitous, hard core, freaky, twisted sex for hours on end. Me so sorry Angelina, me so sorry for all the bad shit I said about you, and me so sorry for all the bad shit I'm going to say about you in the future.

Please accept my apology, I have done you wrong, and I must pay. How does this sound? When you come over tonight, It'll just be me and you, no midgets, no rodeo clowns, no women named Matilda, just me and you. We'll order some Chinese, light some candles, turn on the Lava Lamp, and just relax, we'll take a break from the world for a few hours. I'll make myself a nice rye and ginger, and can have your usual, a ridilin with a glass of vodka and cranberry juice with a splash of Palmolive dish soap. Maybe we'll play Backgammon and I'll let you win a game. I can't believe we've played over 6800 games and you've never beaten me once, that has to be some sort of record, doesn't it? I think the Globetrotters beat the Washington Nationals 4000 times, but never 6800. When will you learn that when you open with double ones, you drop two chips into your zone, and two to block the six spot. You always move your two chips up two spots in your opponents end, that's so stupid. You always go for the deep blocks, Jesus, I hate to carp on this, but open your eyes and your brain for once in your idiotic life. Fuck, my paper-boy beat me once, and he's 4.

Me so sorry Angelina, I really do mean that.

(Brad Pitt is gay)

The Mayor