Let Your Children Be Free

A study released last week by Play England, part of the National Children's Bureau, confirmed what every human above the age of 30 already knew: Parents are bubble-wrapping their children, and in order for kids to enjoy and thrive in this world, they need to engage in *risky* play--

The National Children's Bureau, found that half of all children have been stopped from climbing trees, 21 per cent have been banned from playing conkers and 17 per cent have been told they cannot take part in games of tag or chase. Some parents are going to such extreme lengths to protect their children from danger that they have even said no to hide-and-seek.

Last year, almost three times as many children were admitted to hospital after falling out of bed as those who had fallen from a tree.

According to the research, 70 per cent of adults had their biggest childhood adventures in outdoor spaces among trees, rivers and woods, compared with only 29 per cent of children today.

The study goes on to explain what parents need to do in order to stop smothering their child, and of course it starts with the words, "Parents must be educated...". Ya, okay.

Education is expensive, what parents of bubble-wrapped children need to be ridiculed. That's free and I can help. Honest to God, I'm pretty much fed up with any parent that smothers their child like what has been explained in the study. So many parents worry that if they let their kid play outside, someone is going to kidnap the little bugger. I'm here to tell those parents that no one has any interest in your little rat, they don't even want their own kid, why in God's name would they want yours?

It's obvious to us, meaning you and I, that children need to get out more and enjoy life. You probably led the same existence I did as a child, your parents would throw you out of the house on a sunny day, and encourage you to take risks. My dad was forever telling me, "Go climb that tree...go swimming in the pond....go stick yer head in a plastic bag". Sure, I had a few broken bones and scrapes and bruises, but those are kiddie badges of honour used to gross out the cute girls (who turned out fat and unemployed with seven kids, but that's another story for another day).

If you are one of those parents that bubble-wrap your child, you need to get a swift boot of reality kicked up your balloon knot. Relax and let your kid out of the house. What you're doing now is equivalent to what weird Austrian men do to their kids--and let's face it, Hans, it's not a basement you're keeping little Timmy in, it's a torture chamber, ya sick son of a bitch.