Hysteria and Telemarketing

One of the wonderful things about living in the declining age of a free people, is access to knowledge. In telemarketing management, I have found hypnosis and psycho-analytic methods to be double plus useful in creating the Hungry Sales Wolves that now call you round the clock, when you eat, when you sit upon the toilet, and when you make love.

Case Study J-8207

Fred is a maintenance worker at the 'Toronto Star'. (Well, actually not. I changed the name of the company he works at, obviously.) He holds down a responsible position, with access to electrical rooms, plumbing chases, and mechanical spaces. Lucky for him, his need for additional cash (no questions asked) brought him to the Fenris Badwulf School of Telemarketing Excellence. As an employee, he has access to free counselling, with included my own brand of hypnotic final solutions to life’s problems.

Fred wanted to quit smoking.

Examination of Fred revealed that he was susceptible to hypnotic suggestion in a wide range of areas (according to the Stanford Scale), and would be most useful to the collective objectives of all parties concerned.

First Suggestion: As a smoker, Fred has sublimated his erotic impulses into enjoyment of watching things burn, enjoying setting things on fire, and enjoying the excitement that surrounds things burning to ashes. I have found that aversion therapy works well in these situations. Fred would now experience the sensation of ants crawling on his body whenever he felt the urge to have a smoke. This would only go away after a few drags on his smoke. Hopefully, the unpleasant sensation of ants crawling over his testicles would deter him from smoking.

Observation: Fred rapidly became a chain smoker. The tuck shop at the telemarketing center reported a 7% increase in overall sales.

Second Suggestion: In order to increase the deterrent effect of ants crawling on Fred’s testicles, a phobia was created inside Fred’s psyche. While traditional heteronormative psycho-therapy dictates that phobias are ‘bad’, my psychotherapy dojo teaches this is not the case. Fred was given the phobic belief that space alien ants were infesting his place of work, and that his smoking created ‘chemicals’ that killed them off. Additionally, only cigarettes purchased at the Fenris Badwulf School of Telemarketing Excellence would be effective. Thirdly, making a credit card sale during his shifts as a phone salesman would also give him transitory relief. It was hoped that the negative effects of lack of sleep, inability to relax, impotence, and nervous twitches would deter Fred from smoking.

Observation: Fred lost weight, and rapidly slimmed down to a fit 165 pounds. He also saved money on food, by not eating. His blood pressure improved to a dynamic 210 over 150, indicating an athletes level of heart response. By not sleeping, Fred was able to pursue his interests in thermo chemistry. Unfortunately, Fred’s phobia was transferred to his place of work (the ‘Toronto Star’, if you recall) and Fred began to fantasize about ‘cleansing’ the structure (and the staff, which he considered ‘carriers of the plague’) with some sort of incendiary cataclysm. As Fred embraced his phobia and subsequent fantasy resolutions, his smoking decreased to a moderate three packs a day. This positive result was encouraging.

Third Suggestion: Instead of removing the phobia, it was decided to accentuate Fred’s delusional belief system. The space ants that he would feel on his testicles, burrowing into his anus, ears, and nostrils, were confined to a breeding colony deep within the ‘Toronto Star’. Natural remedies and prophylactic objects, such as cylinders of oxygen, could be hidden within the building structure. Other powerful icons, such as slabs of metallic sodium, powdered magnesium (in the five kilogram bag), and bottles of cheap brandy, were purchased (thanks to a Canada Council grant to Fred for ‘performance art’, available to staff of the 'Toronto Star') and hidden in the false ceilings of the ‘Toronto Star’. Fred used his plumbing skills to change the water supply of the fire suppression system (the sprinklers) to draw instead from the diesel fuel lines of the emergency generators. This would reduce water consumption, and be Earth Friendly. A final motif was added to Fred’s layer cake of hypnotic suggestions, in that his witnessing a large building fire would not only expunge his fantasy space alien ants, it would also completely eliminate his desire to smoke, as well as any memories he would have of having his mind tampered with. A win-win situation!

At the Fenris Badwulf Psycho-analysis Dojo, we eagerly await the next major building fire as this will trigger the final solution to Fred’s smoking habit. This will happen before the next full moon, hopefully.

In order to protect patient confidentiality, Fred is not Fred’s real name. He does not work at the ‘Toronto Star’. And Fred would not start the fire himself, even if he feels that doing so would stop ants from crawling over his testicles.

I, Fenris Badwulf, founder of the Fenris Badwulf Dojo of Psychoanalysis, wrote this. Staff astrologer Sargon the Magnificent co-wrote this paper.

Xpd Mitchieville, DustMyBroom