Mother's Day, 2008

I had the opportunity to travel outside of Toronto this May 24 weekend. I rarely leave Toronto. Toronto is such a perfect place … crime free, and a vast village of village people who all love and respect each other. The only problems in Toronto are caused by people who do not live here … either they are Albertans giving automatic weapons to peaceful gangbangers, or taxpayers resentful of paying taxes to support tax spenders.

I was filled with fear as my car was driven beyond the limits of Toronto, the world’s greatest city. Social programs are few and far between. Community centers are not within walking distance. There are no before and after school programs to address urban crime caused by the lingering effects of African colonialism. Everybody seems to have a job, so everybody is too tired to volunteer to work for some six figure activist at a foodbank, or volunteer to teach social skills to high school students to stem the epidemic of biting, scratching, and spitting, that legions of school teachers, school administrators, and education egg-heads could not figure out how to solve for all their six figure salaries, or to hold down a telemarketing shift to raise money for Global Warming awareness, especially after this last short winter which barely left a dusting of snow.

In Toronto, shortage of services means crime. I expected to see the same things here in the suburbs where the greedy taxpayers live.

But, all I saw were people going about their non-violent business. No homeless people were hanging around asking for extra money. No skinny baby mommas were strutting about in their fashionable hooker gear; no fat baby mommas were walking to the free clinic for methadone, stitches, or shampoo for lice. There were no posters advertising easy access to welfare programs, easy immigration, or easy work doing telemarketing.

In the parking lots of the malls, I saw people leave their cars unlocked. In the subdivisions, I watched a neighbour come home from work and just walk into his house: the front door had been left unlocked.

The families I saw had two parents: one male, and one female. They seemed to like each other. Did not these women know that all men are rapists, especially white heteronormatives with jobs creating wealth? The children were clean and well behaved. I saw no mixed race couples, no same gender couples, and no polygamist groups. Unlike the Toronto fashion, nobody uses dog leashes to restrain their younger children or mail order brides.

I went into a book store … it was filled with books. They seemed to be aiming to sell books to customers, rather than propagandize the politically correct view, or assist in the redistribution of their wealth at the hands of activists. Missing was the safe sex brochures, the applications for social assistance, and the please do not bite the bus driver pamphlets. These merchants do not have a social conscious; all they care about is creating wealth from their invested capital and labour.

Safe, productive, and happy.

Quite the paradox. Where is the crime caused by lack of social programs? Why is there no racism? Where is the urine sloshing around the floor of the bus? When will the next lynching occur? Who is going to speak up for all the non-existent victims? What is the best minority that a tax spender can be to collect the most handouts?

Thank any god but God, I made it back to Toronto. Now, safe behind locked doors, barred windows, and home defence personelle, I can breathe the free air of a city that is the perfect model of socialism, or would be if more taxes were charged, and more activists were hired.

I can only hope that the perfection that is socialist Toronto can spread to the dirty peasants who live in oppression. When that happens, we can truly rename Mothers Day to be Respec’ yo’ Baby Mom’ma Day.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this at both Mitchieville and DustMyBroom