I Stabbed A Mall Walker Just To Watch Him Die

It's not as if the son of a bitch didn't have it coming.

I had the misfortune of having to go to a mall the other day. It was only 9am and the stores don't open until 9:30, so I thought I would go into the mall and just hang out for a few minutes. What I saw there forever changed my life: There were scores of old people in running shoes walking the mall.

There is something about an old person wearing running shoes that disgusts me. It is a medical fact that old people are better off physically when they stay at home and talk to the TV. A mall is no place for an old person, they could get trampled, they are, after all, very slow. In this were the animal kingdom and we were in Africa, old people would be gazelles.

At first I wasn't sure why there were so many old people in running shoes at the mall so early in the morning, so I asked an old bitty. She told me that the people there were mall walkers, they were walking for physical fitness. After my laughter died down, which took about 12 minutes, I decided to study the mall walkers, I tried to get inside their heads.

The mall walkers came in all shapes and sizes, all colours and creeds. One thing I surmised right away though was that I didn't like any of them. They seemed very determined and uptight, they seemed a little snooty, with a dash of snotty, peppered with a pinch of asshole. I decided to follow one particular, non-descript couple who, if i was to take an educated guess, had a combined age of 400.

I didn't want the mall walkers to see me watching them, I wanted to be, in detective terms, "Incognito". I figured I had a pretty good chance of not being seen as I knew ahead of time that old people have bad vision and terrible hearing. I believe I got that information from the Maury Povich show (You are not the father of Laquisha Pt 1, I believe).

The couple started out by the Orange Julius and headed west towards the Yarn Barn--and that's where the trouble started....

Part II is tomorrow, Friday May 2. Don't be a stranger now, ya hear!