All Your Bread Slices Are Belong To Us

House of Lords Baroness, Gardener of Parkes, speaking as a member of the All-Party Group on Obesity, announced today that the new war on obesity will start by standardizing the thickness of sliced bread:

It was, she added, contributing to the problem of people becoming overweight and she wants to see a return to "normal" sized slices.

Why is it that in central London you can hardly find a thinly sliced or medium-sliced load of bread to buy, and any sandwich you buy in any supermarket is now made with thick bread?

"While the House of Lords continues to use medium-sliced bread - and very nice bread - in its sandwiches, even the House of Commons has moved to thick bread.

"Surely at a time when we want to reduce people's consumption, there should be more pressure from the Food Standards Agency, or one of the many departments the Minister speaks about, to take us back to normal-sized bread instead of these super-sized sandwiches."

I have three, no, four words, that can solve this problem in a second, "Pack a lunch, bitch".

You see, by packing one's own lunch, you can monitor how thick your bread slices can be. You can also monitor how much meat to put on the sandwich itself. Maybe you feel like two thinly sliced pieces of roast beef today, but tomorrow you may want three fatter pieces. One day you may want to put butter on your bread and the next day you may choose Becel. Perhaps you may be interested in a wholesome flax bread on Tuesday, but Thursday you may switch to 9 grain bread.

The choices are endless, but only if you pack your own lunch. The added benefit of packing your own lunch is that people won't have to listen to your inane chatter about how thick bread slices are getting. When you think about it, that's probably why people call you a retard and put signs on your back with the words, *I'm a stupid twat with too much time on my hands*.

The House of Oh Lord, Shut Up