The Mayor's Re-Election Platform Promise #6

As most of you are aware, the election for Mayor of Mitchieville is too close to call at this point and time. My once insurmountable lead has been squashed like a peanut under the fist of a hungry Rosanne Barr. I have a feeling that my support started to waiver the day I announced my support for funding of faith-based schools. In retrospect, it was a dumb fucking idea. Live and learn, as they say.

I intend on making up for my small mistake by announcing something today that I'm sure will positively resonate among Mitchieville's voting class. If you, the wise, fair-minded, and downright brilliant people of Mitchieville re-elect me Mayor on October 10, I promise that I will open up an independent investigation into the death of Princess Diana.

Sure, I hear what you're saying, "How can this investigation be any different than the other 473 investigations that have already taken place?" Simple, the other investigations didn't put enough money into their investigations, I intend to spend a fortune.

I will use your money wisely, of course. I will spend $43 million dollars to get to the bottom of what really happened that fateful night many years ago. I will leave no rock unturned, I will leave no stone untouched, I will leave no pebble un-looked at and I will leave no boulder un-bouldered.

This will be the definitive investigation of Princess Diana's death, all the other investigations will be looked at as piss-poor when we finish unravelling this crazy mystery.

This is something we can all get behind, this is something that matters to each of us as Mitchievillian's. We want answers, we demand answers, but most of all, we demand answerable answers to questionable questions.

Vote Mitch for Mayor on October 10 and find out the real truth behind the death of Princess Diana