Bicycles are Evil

Never have I been so outraged as I am right now. My hands are shaking. Tears are pouring down my face like government cheques off a high speed printer. I am despondent, and I feel like nobody loves me. I need a hug. But more than a hug, I need someone to sweep the streets clean of bicyclists, the Ebola of public transit.

I was minding my own business, just motoring down the Danforth, one of the important streets in Toronto, the most important city in Canada, feeling that progress had been made in the War against Violence, when I was visciously attacked by a heteronormative on a bicycle. The insensitive bastard inconvenienced me. I missed an opportunity to make a left turn. Precious seconds were squandered while I waited for my driver to wait for the next left turn opportunity.

Lets put this in perspective. Several tons of carbon dioxide polluted the atmosphere while my Lexus Imperial idled. My chauffeur added to the guilt of the white race with his breathing. My personal secretary, Sonjia DeSade, squirmed in her ultramarine blue latex catsuit. Why? How dare these elitists, smug and superior in their use of all their limbs and senses, provoke me by asserting their rights to the road?

As every activist knows, Bicycles are tools of oppression. Abilitists are attracted to these evil devices, conceived in some evil Christian think tank. You have to have limbs to use a bicycle. This is unfair to everyone who may lack a limb, or who identifies with Limbless-Canadians. With a car, you just have to tell the driver what to do. No limbs required. Everybody can tell a driver what to do; few can steer a ten speed with a peg leg or claw attachement arm. Even blind people can give directions to their chauffeur. Bicycle people are just the next inbred generation of hand gun owners, waiting for their chance to destroy Western Socialist Civilization with their whining appeals to 'ability' and 'competence'.

The only way we can protect our cherished notions of diversity and multi-culturalism is to hunt down bicycle owners. So, activists, do your bit and use up your free accident for the cause! I am not alone in my justified hatred of bicycles. Just check out these links: (*) (*) (*). When you add my personal experience, along with that of my driver, Maximinus Thrax, my secretary, Sonjia DeSade, and these three links, well, you have six people who are offended by bicycles. And if Paladiea (*) can judge Ontario to be a racist shithole because there are seven active complaints before the unbiased and unpartisan Ontario Rights Commission, then I can consign the bicycling movement to the blast furnace.

Activists: Do your part and send me your money so I can help you stop this menace that I have just told you about. Use up your free accident and force bicycles off the road and onto the sidewalks where they belong. Let it be known that making a drinking cup out of the skull of a bicyclist is a great way to fight global warming and an important accomplishment in the War against Violence.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

cross posted at DustMyBroom