Horoscope for the week of July 2, 2006

Words cannot express my surprise at the unexpected and most early return of Mitchieville’s resident financial astrologer. It was most unexpected. Sargon is back. And, I, Fenris Badwulf, am so … happy.

That’s right, Sargon the Magnificent is back.

Aries Your new lover is concealing a fine crop of warts. You cannot see them because they are making spores. Lay in a supply of wart remover for Wednesday as they will start to appear around lunch time. Unless you work the night shift. Then you will just wake up covered in warts.

Taurus A little surprise visit on a delinquent serf is called for. Make them pay in the slow, entertaining way that is your specialty. The Sheriff admires your work. Feast upon pickled onions.

Gemini You will receive a message from one of your agents that the Bishop is not going to yield over the matter of bridge tolls and a tax on horse hides. At this time you should issue a writs of Mortmain and Escheat. Favor linen over wool in clothing.

Cancer Another wedding is in your future, with more expensive demands from your liege lord. More bread and cheese from your bakery, and herbs from your garden. Favor silver over gold.

Leo An irksome churl will delay your passage, until you push him down into the flowing manure of the streets. Stand on his head to make the lesson sink in. The common people will applaud you, and you will receive sexual favors in admiration of your noble rank.

Virgo A flagon of poison has been prepared for your enemies. Let those that oppose you taste the sweetness that is your just revenge. Spring the trap! Wear Lincoln green.

Libra You will make no mistakes as luck favors you at the dog fights. Your eye and good judgement, aided by fortune, reaps you big rewards as you select the best dogs in the pound. Spend your winnings at the ale house.

Scorpio Your cousin refuses to grant your superior claim to the inheritance. Gather your loyal retainers for war. Burn the crops, smash the peasants huts, and seize the free roaming livestock. Take what is yours by force!

Sagittarius All will admire your archery at the town fair this weekend. A mighty lord will ask you serve him in the coming war against the Welsh barbarians.

Capricorn Another week of sweaty labor for you. Just go to work and know that your life in the mud pits is just about to end.

Aquarius The Plague will decimate your village, leaving you with a fortune in livestock, a fine hut, and a bumper crop of cabbage.

Pisces A rich marriage is offered to you. But behind the offer is a cruel wolf, waiting to eat the children. Make merry, but think slowly as you face the cliff. Avoid any ale that has a gritty layer on the bottom.


I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.