Teri Hatcher-The Most interesting Woman on the Planet

She cried on Oprah, she cried to the press, she cried to the world. Must be a book coming out:

"Burnt Toast" is her memoir, out today, and the title is a metaphor for self-worth. Teri blames her insecurity on her upbringing - her mother "always took care of everyone and everything else before herself," teaching her to accept what life handed her.

"If you go ahead and eat that blackened square of bread, then what you're really saying - to yourself and to the world - is that the piece of bread is worth more than your own satisfaction," she writes.

And none of us has to settle for that kind of trashy toast.

I'm not exactly sure what she is getting at, but I am convinced of one thing: Teri Hatcher really hates toast.

Teri is obviously a bread bigot, perhaps the most heinous I have ever seen or heard before in my illustrious life. I have met many a toast hater, but never one so outwardly hostile towards yeasty products. Teri is what we use to call in the underground kitchens of Warsaw, Poland, a "toastaphobe".

As the cheesy salesman in the Ginsu knife commercial would say, "But wait, there's more":

Before auditioning for "Desperate Housewives," she auditioned for a sitcom. When she didn't get the part, she "cried for 18 hours straight."

"I still fear I'm never going to find someone to love who loves me back in spite of and because of all my dark, complicated, insecure places."

When she was younger, she was taunted by calls of "Spider Legs" and "Hairy Teri." She used to worry about a unibrow and furry legs, but "won the hair battle with tweezers and wax."

"for the record, I like my toes just fine. Not as much as my nipples, but they're still suck-worthy."

"I never thought I'd be 40 and have no one to go to dinner with, nor someone who loves me and whom I trust, but here I am."

Why Teri Hatcher is still single is a real mystery to me, she's just so gosh-darn interesting. Why am I smashing my fingers with a 22 oz clawhammer? To stay awake, silly.

Teri Hatcher is one of the most interesting people the world has ever seen. The stories she tells, they're just so crazy. Pardon? Why am I wrapping my penis in razor wire and pulling it really hard? Oh, that's just to stay awake, silly.

Anyway, back to Teri. She has lived such a full and complete life, full of amazing stories that....What? Why am I setting myself on fire? That's just to help me stay awake, silly.

I have to go now, I just drank a pitcher of sulfuric acid, and I'm feeling a little faint.

Teri Hatcher-Catch the Fever!