Gwyneth Paltrow Names Her Child

Since she named her first baby Apple, the chances of her choosing an equally ridiculous name are slim-to-none, right? Wrong:

LIFE STYLE EXTRA (UK) - Gwyneth Paltrow is to name her new baby Mortimer.

If you are going to name your child Mortimer, you may as well go whole hog and tattoo the words "punch me in my fucking face" on the kids forehead.

When Mortimer is 14, and sitting on his bunk in his jail-cell in a maximum security prison, I wonder how many times a day he'll think about smashing his mothers uterus in with a golf club? 500 times? 1000 times? 50,000 times? I'll go with 50,000 times.

Gwyneth - whose film producer father, Bruce, died of throat cancer in 2002 - refers to the legendary moviemaker as 'Uncle Morty' and is keen to show him how much he means to her.

So instead of choosing Bruce she chooses Mortimer? Lucky for the kid Uncle Morty's nickname wasn't Doucheface. Actually, it wouldn't matter, the kid may as well have a bulls-eye on his back. Poor fucker.

Mortimer? Puhlease