Horoscope for the week of November 6, 2005

There is much turmoil in the heavens this week, starting Monday when the Sun transits over the scary mid point of Scorpio. Something big is going to happen, and those of you who are Platinum Plan members will know exactly what. Other than that, it is all good.


ARIES Someone, or something, or some energy being from another dimension, keeps getting mystery goop to stick to the bottom of your shoe. Do not feed it to the neighbours dog, even if that is what you usually do. Make sure you prepare your own food for lunch Monday. Word of Wisdom: Say Auf Wiedersein Liebschen.

TAURUS Enjoy your new living space. Explore its nooks and crannies. One of the doors is actually a disused portal to another dimension. You may expect unexpected, unusual, and unhuman guests for tea this Wednesday at fifteen minuites to midnight. Word of Wisdom: You got what you wanted.

GEMINI The approaching winter has forced the insects of the outside to come into your house. Kill them. You should lay in a supply of insecticides. You will need them later when you realize that your lover is really a cockroach, but that will be after Christmas. Word of Wisdom: As Above, So Below.

CANCER You will eat way too much this week. Not only in quality, but in quantity. Your body, in particular the final stage of your digestive tract, will send you a gentle reminder to tone down on the mouth shovel. Word of Wisdom: Toilet Paper is never too soft.

LEO After you successful Halloween sexual athletics comes the pre-orgy for Christmas! Eat oysters. Your boss wants to promote you. Your nephew would rather live with you than his oppressive parents. Wear gold. Word of Wisdom: Never enough nutcrackers.

VIRGO The creature living in the toilet drain will leave when you dose it with Draino. You will find extra paper clips and some graph paper when you need it most. Eat some carrots. Word of Wisdom: Rattlesnakes always rattle and bite.

LIBRA A vortex is shifting your furniture arrangement in the living room. Your boss will spontaneously combust on Thursday, just after sipping his coffee. Buy seven lottery tickets and you will win large. Word of Wisdom: Chocolate.

SCORPIO You will realize that someone you share the house with is acting strangely, because they have been bitten by a werewolf during the last full moon. Find an excuse to feed them Tahiti Treat and you will be safe this week. Word of Wisdom: Your lucky amulet is hiding.

SAGITTAURUS Something horrible, something slow and horrible, will happen to someone you do not like this week. Do try to hide your glee as you are not a villain in a Jack Palance movie. Career prospects improve. You will feed a lost dog ... read up the myth of Cerebrus to know more about your canine guest. Word of Wisdom: Hercules is as Hercules does.

CAPRICORN Time to step up your plans for Intergalactic Empire. Practice your Migrane Ray on public transit before you go to work on your sluggard and dullard co-workers. Short sell your European holdings slowly as the Germans are going to invade France on Saturday. Word of Wisdom: Brute Force.

AQUARIUS You will return to your own home dimension this week. Sample some seafood on the weekend. Mmmmm, the fresh Earth air ... better than the Chlorine Planet! Only your dog and the homeless guy on the street knows you were gone. And, on Friday, the woman your Doppelganger got pregnant will make a scene. Word of Wisdom: Aristotle knows Best.

PISCES Uranus is continuing to transit Pisces and bring all sorts of interesting electro-magnetic phenomena into your life. Like ball lightning. Electronic devices do not really work as they should this week. Word of Wisdom: The Electrician is from another planet.