Horoscope for August 9 through 16, 2005

Aries This would be a good time to prepare your 'get out of town fast' bag. You will not actually need it, but after a horrible experience Thursday at 3:17 pm, you will be glad you are prepared. Try a different potato salad with the steak.

Taurus You are not being honest with yourself, let alone others. You enjoy the hard work and you are sexually aroused by this feat of stubborness you are engaged in. Remember, the bull needs his tasty crisp vegetables and home made soups to keep up the work load.

Gemini Bored with old distractions, yet you have yet to find new ones. Pity. You will discover a street of distractions to the east. Wear something orange somewhere to help you find this place sooner.

Cancer What a pleasant week you will enjoy! Food is yummy, the children are well behaved, and spouse is busy. Take advantage of opportunities in minor graces to fill your home with comforts, both physicial and spiritual.

Leo Winning at poker never felt better. Have fun at the table! Try to drink water when you can. The cat will susprise you when you watch quietly. Even the average toddler knows that you think they are cute, because you are cute too.

Virgo The staff reak of liquor in the morning, and are lazy when you are not around. Human behavior is one of the hardest things to change, so get used to the smell. Just make a list and prepare for a Friday purge! Do not wear black if you can.

Libra You are in such a nice place, but you are so alone. Cast your net wider and perhaps, perhaps, you will realize that someone you have pushed away is actually quite fond of you. Rearrange the furniture of your mind. When you babysit the neighbors pet, teach it mischief.

Scorpio Like Taurus, you are engaged in a struggle. Unlike Taurus, this is not a feat of stubborness, but one of observation. This week, you have the opportunity to see into a greater, larger universe of meaning. Make your bed up fresh on Wednesday.

Sagittaurus Drunk again, eh? But oh, how you love the feeling! The bouncing off the walls, the chance encounters! You can indulge this week, but do try to balance the whiskey with some orange juice. Watch for a wise man who keeps his cards close to his chest.

Capricorn Your ruthless ambition finds challenge in a feat of endurance. You will discover that you lust for competion and that winning or near winning gives you sexual release. Wear comfortable clothes. Gloat in private and be humble in public.

Aquarius If you go into the woods today, you are in for a big susprise. When you place your left hand on a tree, and feel its bark, you will shift into a parallel universe. Of course, no one will believe you but me and the homeless guy.

Pisces No matter how many times you have mercy sex with the old, the insecure, and the vain, they are not satisfied. You will be, though. Which is half the battle. This week you will meet a mysterious stranger who is really a reflection of you from another dimension. The garbage bin will become lost.


I, Sargon the Magnificent, dictated this to my new scribe, the old one having been sent to the gravel pits of Erin for motivation.