Horoscope for August 1 through August 8

August is telemarketing appreciation month in Astrology. These tireless gnomes of industry are under the rule of Mercury and Jupiter. So this month when you buy something from your phone buddy, you will be blessed ten fold with discounts, premiums, free gifts, and follow up calls!

Aries Avoid foods that are red on Wednesday, especially radishes and mushmelon. It will rain on something you have forgotten outside. The trees are trying to tell you something: give me nitrogen. Even your vegetable friends appreciate your efforts on their behalf.

Taurus You have been handed the golden apples of divine favor. Take advantage of a susprise sale at the supermarket. A small child will be underfoot. Something horrible is gathering strength in the forgotten recesses of your refridgerator ... prepare for battle.

Gemini If you conceive a child this week, it will become a NASCAR pit crew boss. Eat coleslaw if you do not have a food allergy. Look for an author you used to read as a child for diversion. Consider the implications of stacking the Trivial Pursuit deck. Wear cameoflage themed clothes.

Cancer Even house pets can spontaneously combust, so be sure to have adequate supplies of drinking water available for them all. A new salad dressing appears and will tempt your palette. Consider a hobby from your youth for diversion. Stop letting the dog lick the plates clean ... use the dishwasher!

Leo New fruit appears in the supermarket ... it is really from another planet. Do not eat the seeds. If someone appears in your closet in a leather hood, it might be best to talk first, this time.

Virgo Even when you fill in forms correctly, an incompetent clerk will still process them wrong. Consider litigation to express your distaste. You will lose the keys to your handcuffs unless you are careful.

Libra You will give the wrong impression if the three people you have sex with on the weekend find out about each other. Be discrete and drink more liquids. Watch vintage television shows and pick up some wardrobe ideas.

Scorpio A bright light will appear at midnight, and a beckoning ray will draw you towards an extra-terrestrial journey on Tuesday. You will win the lottery this week. It is Food Fight Friday at the company cafeteria! Be sure to start it off by heaving the yogurt at the check out.

Sagitaurus Your boss is incompetent and you are wise to plot his downfall. Arbitrary use of force and vigilante action is called for. Find wisdom in a study of the history of the Borgia family. Eat apples and pears if you can get them. Wear something blue on the day of victory.

Capricorn Read a pleasant book. With Saturn safely in another sign, all is smooth sailing until Mars, the planet of war, visits your sign later in the month. Consider doing laundry out of cycle. Someone has placed a web cam in your shower stall.

Aquarius Like Leo, you will encounter extra-terrestrial foods in the supermarket. But your concerns that the check out girl is an alien may prove to be true. You will find a pound of hashish in a garden gnome at the garden center. Stop the madness and just use hot tap water for the instant coffee.

Pisces In the depth of the waters of a river or lake or ocean is the answer you are looking for. A stray dog is looking for a meal and a home, but his owner is just about to come back from the hospital. Feed yourself.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, dictated this to a scribe while having a foot massage and being fed mango. Through hard work and government grants you too can have the personal attention you deserve