Squirrel Fights 2008--Round Trois

Here's a little mathematical equation for you to start the night off: 8 hours x 3 drinks an hour + Squirrel fights = an effin' good time.

Good evening folks, I am The Mayor of Mitchieville and I'm crunk-eyed. I am also your announcer who will be bringing you Squirrel Fight Trois: The Thriller in the Pillow.

I take you now to our ring announcer, Michelle Buffet. "Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages--let's get ready to watch some blood shed!!"

Seriously, that has to be the worst announcement I have ever heard--"Let's get ready for some blood shed". Oh please.

The combatants are all ready to go. Elephantitis Eli and Freddy the Happy Squirrel (that really is a gay name) looked pumped, sober, and full of piss and vinegar. Fenris is on stage right now giving instructions to both fighters, and I believe we are now ready to go. Fenris grabs EE and Freddy by the tails and drops them in the transparent pillow case. Fenris violently shakes the pillow case, and we are officially under way.

Freddy throws the first jab, a glancing blow to the side of EE's puffy little face. EE responds with a jab of his own, a shot that barely scrapes past what I suppose can be called the chin of Freddy. Both fighters are cautious, this is what we call the feeling out portion of the fight. Of course, when I say *feeling out*, I mean that in the heteronormative sense, not in the sense where at any moment these two squirrels will start having man on man sexual relations. I thought I'd just clear that up for you.

EE takes it up a level with a kick to Freddy's front leg, and now another kick, followed by yet another kick. This seems to have slowed Freddy down quite considerably. Freddy tries to grab EE by his scruffy head but EE slides out of the move and smashes Freddy in the solar plex with his mighty squirrel fist. EE is handing Freddy his ass on a plate. Not literally, however.

EE kicks Freddy a few more times, Freddy looks in trouble, he seems stunned, like Rosanne Barr at a buffet that just ran out of deep fried shrimp. Freddy lashes out wildly, which looked kind of ridiculous, you're not going to hurt a professional with amateurish moves like that, ya dumb bastard. EE takes advantage of that nonsense and pummels Freddy with a series of karate chops to the ear, stomach, leg and ankles. EE is on fire, Freddy is sucking bad ass.

EE gives Freddy a swinging hammer punch followed by a leg crunch and a head bite. Freddy is down!!! Freddy is down!!! EE is coming in for his patented Testicle Drop Across the Face.

EE lines Freddy up--EE lifts his massive ball sac and walks over top Freddy's face. This is it, he's gong to do it!! EE drops his gargantuan package on Freddy's face. Oh sweet Jesus, it looks as if he has smashed Freddy's face into a million pieces. This is hard to watch. Thankfully, it's not impossible to watch, I seem to be able to get my head around this.

Freddy is out cold, stick a fork in the little bitch, he's done like dinner. Fenris sprays a little mace into the pillow case, reaches in and grabs out your winner--Elephantitus Eli!

The crowd is going wild, this was, by far, the best squirrel fight to date.

That's it, c'est la vie. EE has proven to be the real deal, while Freddy was a major disappointment. Oh well, the blood was cool and the screams were certainly worth the price of admission.

Tune in next Monday as two more warriors will be announced.

This is The Mayor of Mitchieville wishing you, and your, and theirs, a happy night.