Horoscope for the week of August 25, 2008

The sun has entered the sign of Virgo, so we are now setting up for another new moon/full moon pattern of experience. This cycle begins with the moon waning. A great time is right now to consign to the flames those entities that lessen your life force. Let them shrivel.

Aries: You will find unravel a mystery this week. Who left their underwear in your car? When did they leave their underwear in your car? What sort of store sells that sort of underwear? When you have these answers you will feel better.

Taurus: For every feast you provide for this week, put aside an equal amount of provisions for the coming winter. And stash some trade goods too: tobacco, toilet paper, toothpaste, and whiskey. Nothing like a little winter famine to make sensible Taurus wiser, richer, and well fed. Mmmmm.

Gemini: You will meet two fascinating persons this week. One will aid you in a practical way; the other you will find intellectually stimulating. Sorry, no sex. Wait for next week.

Cancer: Finally, the season of working naked in your kitchen has arrived. At least once this week, dance naked in the sunlight, and once in moonlight. The ice creme is optional.

Leo: Your enemies, rivals, and those delinquent mouth drooling dullards that employment equity forces you to co-exist with, are asleep this week. Take advantage of the situation to win everything.

Virgo: Left turns are very dangerous for you this week. Avoid kissing strange dogs, especially in the park (more so during the full moon that is coming, but that will be later). None the less, you will get to go to an orgy this week.

Libra: Your labor day party of the coming weekend will be noted for the standard three special features of special parties: someone leaves in an ambulance, or someone gets into a fight, or someone leaves their underwear in your couch.

Scorpio: Just go look at your garden. Take note of what is growing, and what is not. Actually, not much is not growing. This is a good omen. Something big is going to happen this week.

Sagittarius: Driving over the toes of a window washer never felt so good until you do it twice in one day. Throw some chewed gum at them for good measure. Wear the color purple, if you can get away with it.

Capricorn: Some Capricorns are telemarketers who run telemarketing schools. They should be ashamed of themselves, if they could feel shame. For the rest of you, hard working, diligent, and of what level of morality that Capricorns can (rarely, admittedly) aspire too, this is a great week: You will win the lottery! Telemarketing manger Capricorns, however, will stub their toes and get in last at the banquet. You know who you are.

Aquarius: The universal theme of mysterious underwear being found in your bed, couch, or just in a kitchen drawer, is reiterated for your sign this week. For you, however, it just means that space aliens are using your residence as a sex motel while you are away at work. Call in sick on Wednesday to get in on the fun.

Pisces: Secrets! While you are usually a receptacle for others lost soul moments, this week they swirl around you like, hmmmm, rain drops in a storm? wasps around Vanilla Coke? or perhaps wenches around James Bond? This secret will be revealed to you by the Rasputin like creature that every Pisces has in their pocket.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this ...

Astrology Links: ElsaElsa * , of course!