Horoscope for the week of August 12, 2007

ARIES: An intense week for the Ram. But it is all good, with your talents in the spotlight, along with your wit, love life and a touch of responsibility. Things will come at your fast and deep. Stop reading this and keep your eyes peeled.

TAURUS: Your patience is tested by small problems that small people have, along with smaller children and even smaller animals. But the eating is good this week, even if the stove is slow to fire up to speed, and the knives dull. Remember, the more they irk you, the greater will be your reward.

GEMINI: Small engine repairs, collapsing sofas, and a crossword that refuses to respond to logic. This week, you are the surgeon. Stuff your hands into the greasy guts of life and pull out the bits nobody wants, and sew up the mess with minimal scar tissue.

CANCER: What a beautiful week! There is comfort food waiting for you at home. Dogs wag their tails as you pass by. And even the public media favors happy themes. Favor the color blue, and keep a silver item in your car.

LEO: Busy week for you. Between the worship you receive and deserve at your birthday party, the unexpectedly best sex of your life on Thursday, and the bag of money you find on Saturday at the shopping mall, it will be a fun week for the King of Beasts. Do your laundry early ... you will not have time later in the week.

VIRGO: Be prepared for disaster later in the week, maybe sooner if you are born early in the sign. Beware of those younger than you, as one or two of them are both faster and even more stupid as far as quality of judgement goes. Unless the affliction comes in the form of insect pests ... then gas them.

LIBRA: You fulfil the role of praetorian prefect this week. While someone else is the star, you are the stage manager. Your talents are noticed and you will acquire several secret admirers, which will come to light later. This week, you plant seeds.

SCORPIO: The games peasants play ... the shortchange artist in the variety store, the dullard at the gastation, and the standard 'Curly, Larry, and Moe' driving standards on our Nations Highways. Ignore the finite and you will find yourself with a rich reward of secret resources.

SAGITTAURUS: You will win the lottery this week. No orgy will not invite you attend, and there will be a bank error in your favor. Even better, you will win at Monopoly if you care to play.

CAPRICORN: This week, your ability to sense the impending arrival of Pluto into your sign becomes conscious. It is almost as if you were changing into a werewolf, with all those wolfish senses now active, where the old primate Capricorn was dormant. So, be observant. Those who have little will gain alot; those who have much might just lose it all.

AQUARIUS: Space aliens figure prominently in your horoscope this week. When faced with adversity (be it a man, a lover, a child, or a civil servant), choose the path that aligns with your personal situation, and forego the transitory other. You will have four such situations this week.

PISCES: A difficult person will run into a more difficult situation. Unfortunately, you have to be around this scenario, more as witness than victim. Aside from that, you will discover the secret to personal weight loss on Tuesday.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.