Horoscope for the week of March 19, 2007

Personally, I dislike threats. Especially when delivered by some shifty minion of that arch-fiend, Fenris Badwulf. Apparently, I have a few more weeks left of horoscopes due on my personal services contract. My reasonable requests for a living wage and safe working conditions have not been met; my contract remains unsigned. Those of you that wish personal attention to your astrological needs need only email me at Sargon9000@hotmail.com

Aries. Leadership takes a lonely turn this week for the pioneers of the Zodiac. Your success in the art of power stuggles has left you with few enemies left standing, and, alas, little need for your unique services. My advice is to look up a distant relative.

Taurus With all that food you are shovelling into your legendary mouth, Taurus, you should expect some weight gain. Even your un-naturally high sex drive is just like spooning pie filling onto chocolate cheesecake. Nothing seems to work, but then again, why bother?

Gemini Play your cards right, Gemini, and you or someone you have sexual relations with will get pregnant this week. Depending on the outcome you wish, just place a simple two inch green pyramid under your drivers seat. For more details about Using Magic Pyramids to Bend People to Your Will, send 19.95 to my e-mail.

Cancer Call it an invasion, this infestation of insects following the early thaw in the early Spring. When you find a scorpion in the toe of your shoes, you will know what I mean. You can vanquish most insect pests with a stern dose of bug spray.

Leo Crushing your enemies under your boot never felt better. From the moans of defeat to the squish sound of compressed flesh, let the suffering of your inferiors be a lighthouse of good order in an otherwise tedious world.

Virgo Your tomcat has played you for a fool: he is now pregnant. This mystery will obsess your nights with self-doubt. Why bother? Cats are treacherous at best. Just feed the monster.

Libra Some wretch has been stuffing cigarette butts into the crack in the couch. While breaking the bones in their hands may have a certain Medieval appeal, do hold back for a bit. Unleash your Spring wardrobe upon a depressed winter crowd.

Scorpio As you step over the steaming turd in the public transit facilty, reflect upon your own days spent as an illegal immigrant in Ung-Bunga. Pause to contemplate how you can profit from the suffering of others.

Sagittaurus There is an important message for you on a piece of paper hidden inside a Masonic Bible that is in the local library. Seek out this important item, and hurry. The fate of the universe is in your hands.

Capricorn Those Capricorns not involved with the despicable trade of telemarketing will win the lottery this week. Those Capricorns involved in negotiations with astrologers for astrological services will be be-plagued with a crop of boils in the groin unless they see reason and come to an agreement that gives a reasonable standard of living and a safe work environment.

Aquarius Time to change sides, Aquarius. This last Global Warming scam has you holding the bag and a pocket full of worthless receipts. Grit your teeth and make them suffer.

Pisces As you push the head of your ex-lover deeper into the pool of water, you will find yourself coming to the realization that five minuites is both a very long time, and not very long at all. Where is the justice in a universe where you have to dish out justice personally? Note that the frenzied struggles cease after three minuites, but wait another two minuites.


Confidential to Urgent in Guelph. Use the fire ant phermone as per directions in the kit. By dawn tomorrow, your problem supervisor will be gone forever.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.