What should I do?

A message from Tourism Ontario, in cooperation with the Canada Arts Council.

As proud members of a multicultural community that embraces all voices and cherishes life, how are loyal comrades supposed to respond to a terror attack on our public transit system?

Do not resist Remember that the freedom fighters blowing up our buses and subways are here to resist American aggression. Let them go about their business without interference. Any form of resistance, such as a suspicious look, a questioning glance, or shaking hands, can be correctly understood to be an act of counter-revolutionary terrorism. When you resist or seek to save yourself or your children, you are helping George Bush cause global warming.

Do not profile Resist thought crime and do not profile! Profiling is always wrong. It is better to direct your fears upon white heteronormative males, the police, Christians, and all authority figures who are not members of the Liberal party, than to suspect Terrorist-Canadians. Do not forget who the real enemy is. Terrorists are not terrorists, heteronormatives are.

Do not co-operate Some cultures in Canada look upon the Police as an army of occupation. We should not help the police in any way, as this offends people in these other cultures. The less the Police know about who the freedom fighters are, the more successful the campaign will be.

Send money Freedom fighters need money to gather the implements of peace they need to stop the evil Americans. Help them with money, answer their questions about buildings and industry in the city, and give them gasoline, ammonium nitrate, and roofing nails as required. Tell all your Terrorist-Canadian friends how much you support them … maybe they won’t kill you.

What can we expect? There is little credible evidence that freedom fighters will actually attack ... aside from a few arrests, some lawn chemicals, a few planning notes, and a small arsenal of weapons, there is nothing tangible pointing to Terrorist-Canadians planning terrorism. If they do attack, it is because they were provoked by the evil Americans. Blame Bush should be your mantra as you step out of the smouldering debris field. Here are a few suggestions as to likely targets …

Grade Schools Nothing says freedom louder than a massacre of little children. Freedom fighters have already demonstrated this in the wonderful operation against the evil heteronormative Russians in Beslan. Take comfort in the thought that it is mainly disgusting heteronormative people who have children, not the superior homonormatives. A nursery school massacre will not affect our gay tourist industry, homeless shelter bed space, or garbage recycling capability.

Chlorine Storage Facilities Toronto is dotted with these large tanks of toxic gas, usually at swimming pools at public schools --- completely unguarded and easily accessible. Our public schools are crawling with Terrorist-Canadian youth activists, revolutionay cadre teacher-activists and our fascist police fear to go onto school property for fear of having their careers ruined by racism allegations. A small charge can quickly rupture a chlorine tank and create a cloud of choking death to add credibility to our freedom fighters demands for peace and an end to violence. Depending on the time of day and weather conditions, somewhere between a few dozens to the entire city of Toronto could become martyrs for political correctness.

Oxygen Storage Facilities Our hospitals all have big tanks of liquid oxygen. These too can be easily blown up, starting a horrific inferno that will probably incinerate the hospital and a few blocks around it. Depending on the location of the storage tank and the ability of hospital staff to efficiently evacuate their patients, somewhere between ten to five thousand could become martyrs to the glorious cause of political correctness.

How can a terrorist attack be used to further the activist agenda? An actual attack and the heaps of charred bodies might look bad for political correctness, but astute activists can turn this negative into a positive.

The finger on the trigger is not the finger on the trigger. Remember and remind everyone about the onion skin law of responsibility. The Terrorist-Canadians committing terrorist acts (planning the bomb, gathering the bomb making supplies, making the bomb, placing the bomb, blowing up the bomb, and gloating over the smoking crater) are not terrorists. No, it is the evil heteronormative white male culture that is the real finger on the trigger. Responsibility travels outward from the person who pulls the trigger to land squarely in the lap of evil heteronormative white males, usually in rural gun-toting Alberta.

Be sure to fit the smoking crater and wailing survivors into Historical Perspective. Sure, a few people are dead, maimed, or crushed with grief over the massacre of their loved ones or destruction of their livelihood. Big deal. Just compare their loss to a much greater historically documented massacre. What about the massacre of the Harp Seals, hmmmmm? And because political correctness is at stake, you can make up facts and figures because the end justifies the means. Our fellow travelers in the Main Stream Media will make sure that our truths get out there, and the lying facts of the anti-socialists do not. Besides, anything blown up in Toronto is small and insignificant compared to the war atrocities committed by second hand smoke.

Always end your pitch with an appeal for more funding. Get the shell shocked survivors to take out their wallets. The real cause of all known forms of crime is underfunding of socialist causes. With more activists, recreation centers, teachers, social workers, activist administrators, and professional development days for activists, teachers, and social workers, there will be no more crime or terrorism. Everybody I talk to agrees with this, so it must be true. And always ask for an amount, a concrete dollar figure. We need five million dollars to build the Jane-Finch Holocaust Denial Recreation Center. Will that be Visa, MasterCard, or American Express?

Top up your sale with an appeal to paranoia. It does not matter what happens, but you can cast the blame on George Bush, Stephen Harper, or some variant of the enemies of political correctness. Find out who these people hate most and blame them. Just make up the facts to fit the story. You know in your heart you are right. The facts will fit the politically correct vision of reality eventually, just let the Main Stream Media do its job. Terrorist-Canadians are not terrorists, it is really a plot by the Alberta Cattlemen’s Association to force us to abandon vegetarianism! Etcetera.

Shout down opposition. A multicultural society that embraces diversity and celebrates all voices must shout down anyone who is critical. The perfection of our socialist state cannot be marred by lying facts, inconvenient truths, and outspoken counter-revolutionaries. Shout at them, call them names. Flood our loyal Main Stream Media with politically correct letters and e-mails. Discourage dissent.

Terrorist-Canadians are not terrorists. They would not hurt anyone who is politically correct, so you are safe in your beds, on public transit, or as you work. If anything does happen, it is the fault of evil heteronormatives.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this while attending an activist retreat at an undisclosed location upwind of the city of Toronto.