It's all in Your Jeans
Hey, are you tired of looking like a run-down, frumpy, tired, pathetic, welfare case? If you are, then I suggest you throw out your black jeans and crawl back into the 2000's.
If you wear black jeans you most certainly look like shit. I'm sorry to break it to you but you really do look like shit. I'm not talking about black dress pants or Cargo pants, I'm speaking specifically about black jeans. You might think they look good on you and that you look cool, stylin' even. You couldn't be more wrong. Black jeans were invented by the fashion devil and have been a scourge on the universe since they were first marketed for public consumption. I care deeply about my readership, and I am here to help you, I don't want you thinking you look good when in fact you look like a baboons ass.
The first thing I'd like you to do is go to your closet, find your black jeans, take them out to the firepit, pour gasoline on them and set them ablaze. While you're looking through your closet I also suggest throwing out all your wife beater shirts. The next thing to do is get to a mall. Don't, and I repeat don't go to Wal-Mart, K-mart, or anything with a "Mart" attached to it for your clothing. Also, don't go anywhere where more than 30% of the products are made in China, you want to look good, not cheap and stingy. Find yourself a Gap or an American Eagle Outfitter, and casually walk inside. Don't worry, I know you're scared, but those people that work there don't know that you have zero taste in clothes.
When inside the store, unravel a shirt or two but don't fold them up and put them back, always toss them to one side and make a heavy sigh sound. This shows the little bitch clerks that you've done this before and you have no respect or regard for their measly jobs. Make the pecker heads work for their $5 an hour, make them sweat like the little pigs that they are. Now you should be feeling cocky and confident. Make your way to the back of the store and find the bargain carousel. You may have noticed earlier that all the good jeans that aren't on the carousel are about $80-$120, fuck that, they're ripping you off. The bargain carousel will have plenty of fashion brand names for maybe $29. See, they need to get rid of all their old stock and bring in new stock, so the carousel is a never ending center of bargains. You can get ripped blind and buy retail, or be a smart boy and buy brand names for cheap. Do not under any circumstance buy anything that has the words "Levi's", or "Wrangler" on it, every putz and his momma are decked out in those walking travesties. If one *good* store doesn't have something in your price range, the next store will. Trust me, buy quality shit.
While you're at it, pick up a few undershirts that will match you jeans. White is always good, but not a cheap shirt, once again, look for the bargains. Try to get yourself a collared shirt to, one with stripes preferably, and not stripes that run side to side, but ones that run north and south. Why am I so worried about what you wear? If you dress nice you'll get laid, and a relaxed blog reader is a happy blog reader, and I want happy readers. No woman in the world wants to hump a black jean wearing infidel, if they do, run like hell cuz that bitch has an STD with your name on it. Women want their man to be dressed well, not gay, but well. When you dress well it shows people that you have class and care about your appearance. You don't want to be perceived as a low life, classless fuck, you want the world to blow smoke out of your ass.
If you spend $50 a week for 1 month, you'll be up to date in your wardrobe. That's less than what your paying for your pot and booze, so do it, get in step with the real world. I use to have black jeans until a very fashionable beautiful woman told me I look like a train wreck. Did that hurt my feelings? Hell yes, that's all I could think about when I was banging her, but I got over it, I went to the mall.
Tomorrow I'm going to discuss why women who wear track pants while grocery shopping should be rounded up and shipped off to the Arctic circle. Track pants, blah.
If you wear black jeans you most certainly look like shit. I'm sorry to break it to you but you really do look like shit. I'm not talking about black dress pants or Cargo pants, I'm speaking specifically about black jeans. You might think they look good on you and that you look cool, stylin' even. You couldn't be more wrong. Black jeans were invented by the fashion devil and have been a scourge on the universe since they were first marketed for public consumption. I care deeply about my readership, and I am here to help you, I don't want you thinking you look good when in fact you look like a baboons ass.
The first thing I'd like you to do is go to your closet, find your black jeans, take them out to the firepit, pour gasoline on them and set them ablaze. While you're looking through your closet I also suggest throwing out all your wife beater shirts. The next thing to do is get to a mall. Don't, and I repeat don't go to Wal-Mart, K-mart, or anything with a "Mart" attached to it for your clothing. Also, don't go anywhere where more than 30% of the products are made in China, you want to look good, not cheap and stingy. Find yourself a Gap or an American Eagle Outfitter, and casually walk inside. Don't worry, I know you're scared, but those people that work there don't know that you have zero taste in clothes.
When inside the store, unravel a shirt or two but don't fold them up and put them back, always toss them to one side and make a heavy sigh sound. This shows the little bitch clerks that you've done this before and you have no respect or regard for their measly jobs. Make the pecker heads work for their $5 an hour, make them sweat like the little pigs that they are. Now you should be feeling cocky and confident. Make your way to the back of the store and find the bargain carousel. You may have noticed earlier that all the good jeans that aren't on the carousel are about $80-$120, fuck that, they're ripping you off. The bargain carousel will have plenty of fashion brand names for maybe $29. See, they need to get rid of all their old stock and bring in new stock, so the carousel is a never ending center of bargains. You can get ripped blind and buy retail, or be a smart boy and buy brand names for cheap. Do not under any circumstance buy anything that has the words "Levi's", or "Wrangler" on it, every putz and his momma are decked out in those walking travesties. If one *good* store doesn't have something in your price range, the next store will. Trust me, buy quality shit.
While you're at it, pick up a few undershirts that will match you jeans. White is always good, but not a cheap shirt, once again, look for the bargains. Try to get yourself a collared shirt to, one with stripes preferably, and not stripes that run side to side, but ones that run north and south. Why am I so worried about what you wear? If you dress nice you'll get laid, and a relaxed blog reader is a happy blog reader, and I want happy readers. No woman in the world wants to hump a black jean wearing infidel, if they do, run like hell cuz that bitch has an STD with your name on it. Women want their man to be dressed well, not gay, but well. When you dress well it shows people that you have class and care about your appearance. You don't want to be perceived as a low life, classless fuck, you want the world to blow smoke out of your ass.
If you spend $50 a week for 1 month, you'll be up to date in your wardrobe. That's less than what your paying for your pot and booze, so do it, get in step with the real world. I use to have black jeans until a very fashionable beautiful woman told me I look like a train wreck. Did that hurt my feelings? Hell yes, that's all I could think about when I was banging her, but I got over it, I went to the mall.
Tomorrow I'm going to discuss why women who wear track pants while grocery shopping should be rounded up and shipped off to the Arctic circle. Track pants, blah.
posted by The Mayor at 7:35 PM
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