The Mayor Gets Mail

As Mayor of the 49th fastest growing community in N.E Durham region, Ontario, Canada, North America, the World, I get quite a few emails sent my way asking various questions. Usually people ask me about me. They ask about my life, they ask for advice, they ask this and that and often a little bit of the other. Don't get me wrong, I don't think of these people as colossal pains in the ass, I think of them as people who are obviously infatuated with me and are looking for a little guidance.

I received a few emails last week that I would like to share with you today, perhaps my answers can be a compass for some of your life decisions. Maybe I can help you help yourself:

Dear Mr Mayor,

My name is Billy Roberts and I'm 8 years old. I want to be a pro golfer when I grow up, but daddy always laughs at me and says I'll never amount to anything. He says my dwarfism is a hindrance and that I should concentrate on my skool work. Daddy is an accountant and often smells like cheap liquor.

Do you think I have any chance to grow up and be a great golfer like Tiger Woods?

Billy Roberts

Dear Billy,

Generally I tell little boys and girls that they can be anything they want if they just try hard enough, have enough determination and drive, and persevere when the going gets tough, they can be anything they want. However, in your specific case, I'd have to say it is probably best you give up your dream.

You see, you're a dwarf, and dwarfs cannot be professional golfers. There is no cut and dry law saying that you can't, but take a look at professional golfers and then compare yourself to them. Golfers are generally very strong men with big arms. You, you have dwarf arms. Golfers are usually over 3' tall. That's strike two against you, Billy. Golfers generally have a strong support system behind them. You? not so much.

I suggest you become a jockey, or even a professional midget wrestler. You seem to enjoy sports, and jockeying and wrestling are great sports for little guys like yourself.

Remember, Billy, The only thing stopping you from your dreams is a cruel God. Try realistic dreams this time, they aren't so soul destroying and heart-crushing.

The Mayor.

Dear Mayor,

My name is Ingrid and I'm an exotic dancer from Sweden. I've seen pictures of you on your website and I'm dying to know how you stay in shape so well. You have a body that is carved in granite, a superior build, you are just absolutely eye-poppingly handsome.

Seriously, what's your secret?

Love,

Ingrid

My dearest Ingrid,

Thank you for your email. That is both a fair and an honest question. Allow me to share with you how I became the physical specimen that I am.

The first thing you should know is that I don't eat vegetables. As far as I'm concerned, vegetables are of the devil and only demented heads and Satan lovers eat them. They contain nothing that is good for you, and many vegetables are small, making it easy to choke on them.

I have been on a steady diet of meat and meat by-products since I can remember. When most children were eating carrot sticks, I was chewing on a lambs head. While most teenagers experimented with salads, I was busy building muscles by crushing the skulls of Satan loving vegetarians.

I am also on a strict regiment of masturbation. I masturbate up to seven times a day, and also receive a slew of handjobs from TLDG. I have forearms that are so monstrous I could crush a small dog with them. I also like long walks on the beach.

As far as how I got to be so good looking? God was obviously very happy the day he let my father bang away on my mother and let him slip a beautiful sperm into her which one day turned into the sexy-assed bastard known as The Mayor.

So, to recap: I don't eat vegetables, I masturbate furiously, and God loves me.

I hope this answers all your questions, Ingrid. You seem like a nice girl, maybe we can get together some day and skip rocks on the beach. But only if it doesn't interfere with masturbation time.

Best regards,

The Mayor