Survivor Mitchieville--Sirnef Island--Episode 3

Hi, I'm Geoff Probes, welcome to Survivor Mitchieville--Sirnef Island.

On the last episode of Survivor Mitchieville, Dave from Texas was booted off because, well, he wanted to leave. Tensions among both camps are high today, the men are coming down from nasty hangovers, while the women still haven't eaten, had anything to drink and haven't yet made base camp.

"I'm starving, I've even eaten all my fingernails", said Carin. "Plus my big toe is missing".

Haha, cry me a river, Carin, you still have 9 toes, some of us don't have that many.

The contestants have been called together for a special edition of the Mission challenge. Today's challenge is a fun one, it's a dance-off. The rules are simple: The team with the best dance moves, as judged via satellite by The Mayor and Fenris, are the winners. However, to make things interesting, whoever is deemed the best dancer from the group will win immunity. Also, the team that is judged the best will get to eat fried chicken and drink beer, courtesy of, "Colonel Bob's Chicken Emporium and Hubcap Sales".

To make things more interesting, the contestants will be dancing in the viper pit on top of shards of broken glass.

Begin...

DBS started off strong, like a man possessed. From a buck-and-wing, DBS quickly maneuvered into a bossa-nova, followed by a Russian country dance. DBS is on fire, it'll be hard to send him home.

Samantha refused to dance, she just stood in the viper pit putting out the cool vibes. Perhaps another box of serpents will change her mind.

Alice and Linds danced the tarantella together, a fast violent Italian folk dance, interspersed with a flip-flop, a down-home wango tango capped off with a split pea soup. Wow, impressive.

Bruce did the Chelsea shuffle, moving his thaaaang around like he was flagging down a taxi. It was something to behold.

Two Dogs isn't dancing, oh no, he's been bit by a viper. He's not getting up. OMG, this will cost the Scavengers. Bruce and DBS are kicking Two Dogs, they're really putting the boots to him. this is somewhat sad. Somewhat.

Music stops. Game over.

Fenris, Your Worship....who have you decided to give immunity to?

We have decided that Alice stays.

So be it. Amen.

And which team have you deemed the winners?

SFOL.

So be it, Amen.

As for you remaining Scavengers, I expect to see you assholes at The Concentration Wall in one hour.

Fast forward one hour.

You know the routine, assholes. This is the time when you vote for who you want off the island. Please, take you ballot and vote...

• Ballot 1--Two Dogs
• Ballot 2--Two Dogs
• Ballot 3--empty ballot

What's going on here? Why didn't you vote, Two Dogs? Hello? Two Dogs? Can he hear me? Oh no, (call the doctor, he's not moving)

Ah, ya, soooooo, I suppose that means that Two Dogs is a goner....as in, he's off the island.

Tune in next Tuesday for a special edition of Survivor Mitchieville--Sirnef Island, where two of the contestants from team SFOL will kiss.

I'm Geoff Probes, have a great week!

Survivor Mitchieville--Sirnef Island

• Hello, and welcome again to Survivor Mitchieville, I am your host, Geoff Probes.
  
  Last we saw, the contestants were split into two groups and were dropped off at their respective compounds. They were suppose to build a base camp, but it seems the ether that we drugged them with wasn't fully out of their systems, so the contestants instead had a nice, cosy sleep in the sand, among the crabs, vermin and vultures. Good times.
  
  We called the contestants together at the *Pit of Doom* for their first *Mission challenge*. Today, the Mission Challenge was this: Each side will jump into the Pit of Doom and try to capture as many live chickens as possible. Each chicken though, has been greased and has had radical reconstructive surgery, whereby they now have fangs and giant pincers attached to razor sharp claws. The chickens also breath fire. The team that catches the most chickens in the 7 allotted hours, will take back to their base camp, four blankets, four memory foam pillows, a saw and a 60 oz of Valu-rite vodka. The losers will be ridiculed mercilessly until they cry.
  
  Both teams jumped into the Pit of Doom and the game started. Team *Scared for our Lives* (SFOL) got off to a rocky start with Carin losing a big toe on her right foot from one of the chickens claws. Alice captured five chickens before having fire breath breathed on her from a terrified chicken (only superficial burns). Linds, who doesn't fear genetically altered chickens grabbed twenty seven chickens before succumbing to exhaustion, while Samantha decided that the chicken capturing game was stupid, so she sat out the game and painted her nails. In total, Team SFOL caught 35 chickens.
  
  As for the men, Team Scavenger seemed to be right at home among the chickens. DBS captured and ate close to 20 chickens, Two dogs actually stabbed to death 14 chickens from an instrument he made out of a giant twig. Dave In Texas, using superior chicken grappling skills, corralled 12 chickens and Bruce had a field day, dismembering and bringing back 273 chickens.
  
  The Scavengers win easily.
  
  After making Team SFOL cry like babies, I sent them back to camp and awarded the men their prizes. I told the contestants to meet back at the Concentration Wall in One Hour for the Pit of Vipers Challenge.
  
  One hour later, all the contestants arrived at the Concentration Wall. Team Scavenger were drunk.
  
  The Vipers Challenge rules are simple: Whoever doesn't win the challenge gets immunity. That's right, we don't fancy winners around here, we fancy losers. Also, the word *fancy* is gay, so I'll never use it again.
  
  You have in front of you a piece of paper and a crayon. I want you to write as many reasons as you can why you think/know The Mayor is the most popular political figure ever in the history of civilization. Grammar and spelling count. At the end, I will tally up how many reasons each of you have and, the person with the most, wins, or loses, depending on how I want this to turn out.
  
  You have 6 hours. Go.
  
  It was a hot day, I should have let the contestants write this in the shade, or at least given them some clothing to cover up. However, that didn't happen.
  
  After 6 hours I stopped the clock and read off each individual answer, as The Mayor and Fenris looked on from Mitchieville via a remote hook up from the island of Sirnef.
  
  When all was said and done, Linds had 367 answers, Alice had 421, Carin had 323 and Samantha 853. This is sure to please The Mayor.
  
  On the men's side, DBS had 4, Dave had 4, Bruce had 5 and Two Dogs had 8. Prepare to immerse yourselves in the Pit Of Vipers, assholes.
  
  The winners will be shown a special televised preview of *10 Days With The Mayor, Uncut*. While I expect to see the Scavengers at the Pit Of Vipers in one hour. One of you assholes are going home.
  
  Commercial.
  
  Fast forward one hour.
  
  Welcome to The Pit Of Vipers. You have all had a chance to get to know one another better, but friendships are like body piercings: They're for losers and never last. Each one of you will get one ballot and are allowed to write the name of one person who you want sent home. I will read the ballots and then send that person a watery grave home.
  
  I now have all four ballots and will reveal the names:
• Ballot 1--Dave
• Ballot 2--Dave
• Ballot 3--Dave
• Ballot 4--Dave

What the fuck is this? You can't vote for yourself, Dave.

Your Honour, Fenris, what should I do with Dave?

Fenris--Throw him in the Viper Pit.

Yes, Fenris, your wish is my command.

When asked why all the contestants voted Dave off the island, the response was unanimous: Dave wanted to go home.

Tune in Thursday for another episode of Survivor Mitchieville, I am your host, Geoff Probes, goodnight everyone!