Valentines Day, 2007

Valentines Day needs a makeover. The sordid Christian elements of this ritualist worship of heteronormative love needs to stop. Instead, we should embrace the Old School Roman Paganism that preceeded Christ and his pushy disciples. And the best way to do that is to spend Valentines Day weekend in Toronto, the City of Light. Toronto certainly is a perfect city, and well deserves its overarching powers to dictate social and fiscal policy to the ignorant peasants, the knuckle walking crackpates, and the gap-toothed unwashed scum that live outside of its sacred municipal boundary.

Ladies is it not time that you took advantage of the New Pagan Valentine's Day and considered what would make the man in your life turn to you with renewed love. How about hiring one of Toronto's many prostitutes? They come in a multi-cultural diversity of shapes and skin tones, certainly one (maybe two!) would make your man smile. Take advantage of the Valentine's Day specials (ten percent off when you mention Fenris Badwulf) and enjoy the day of love while some little college strumpet slakes the lust of the smelly, hairy primate in your life. The best way to a man's heart is through his pants.

Gentlemen the woman in your life deserves nothing less than a thick wad of cash. Just take out a few thousand dollars (get an advance on your credit card or a second mortgage if you have too) and bundle them up with an elastic band (like the ones around a bunch of celery). Your love will smile in her heart as she departs to squander irresponsibly! Give her the keys to the car, a new tank of gas, and unleash her on the many shopping malls in Toronto.

Let us take Valentines Day back from the Christians. From now on, say that Valentine's day is named after Syrynx, the palace prostitute of the Roman Emperors Galba, Otho, and Vitellius (during the Year of the Three Emperors). She is celebrated in Roman graffiti by the multi-cultural harbor village peoples of ancient Pompeii. And now you can celebrate along with her and her many lovers. You can stand with Galba, Otho, and Vitellius! Be pre-Christian and proud. It makes me cry.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.