10 Way Better Ways to Enjoy Your Partner
More Magazine has an article up today called "10 Unique ways to enjoy your partner". It's ten ways to have fun with your partner without resorting to the old favourites like watching DVD's or going to the movies, stuff like that. All in all it's a really shitty list that no guy would ever want to get involved with.
A few of the suggestions made are: Go bird watching, take dance lessons, exercise together, and making a bottle of wine an *event*. Holy fucking boring, Batman.
I've decided to compile my own list, "10 Way better ways to enjoy your partner*. These are 10 can't miss ways that, if followed correctly, will make you enjoy the hell out of your partner.
1) Roofie Roulette
Fill 6 shot glasses with Jack Daniels and slip a roofie into one of the drinks. Have your partner, who was blindfolded when you slipped the roofie in the drink, take off her blindfold and mix all the shot glasses up. Start drinking until one of the two of you passes out. After the body is completely disabled, treat them like a farm boy treats a sheep. Just go to town and don't worry about the consequences.
2) Ball gag and Executioner Hood Tuesday
Let's face it, Tuesdays are the third crappiest day of the week, but it doesn't have to be that way. What's hotter than watching your lover prepare your steak while wearing a ball-gag? I'll tell you, watching your lover prepare your steak while wearing a ball-gag and an executioners mask.
3) Insult A-Rama Night
Nothing is hotter than make-up sex. And there isn't a better way to hurt a woman's feelings than calling her a filthy pig. Just like there isn't a better way to hurt a man's feelings than telling him he's inadequate. Therefore, dedicate a whole night of brutal insults to each other, and then after the tears flow like Niagara Falls, mount your partner and don't stop pounding her until the neighbor's call the cops, or her uterus falls out.
4) Tell your Man that Your Mother is Dead
If you really love and appreciate your man, you will tell him that your mother got into a horrible car accident and that her body was so disfigured that only dental records could identify her. This is guaranteed to give your man an inner smile and an erection that will be so big that you'll have to buy him new Levi's the next day.
5) Woot Woot and Meow Meow Sex
Sex talk is boring, there's not a guy in the world that believes a woman when they are told that they are sooo huge, and not a woman believes a guy when they tell them they are soooo tight. Put away the lies, they don't work. Try only using the words "Woot Woot", or "Meow Meow" from now on when you're getting intimate. When you're looking up at your man and you're ready to explode, scream out, "MEOW MEOW". When you hear those words, guys, scream back "Woot Woot". Don't ask me how or why, but it will be the best orgasm you have ever had in your strange life.
6) Take an STD test together
Even though you consider your woman or man *fresh* from disease, there's always niggling questions about your lovers health, right? Sure there is, you're only human, and most likely your lover is filled with diseases.
Book an appointment at the doctors and get the full scope of tests run. After you get the results back, you will be so turned on knowing that your lover isn't a filthy, diseased ridden, piece of shit, that you will go into the bedroom and most likely bang them until your brain hemorrhages.
7) Slap a Wal-Mart Employee
No matter what the PC crowd tell you, violence is a major turn on. And who better to slap upside their disgusting head than a Wal-Mart employee? Simply go into a Wal-Mart, and the first employee that you see, walk up to them and beat them like they are a red-headed step-child. If your lover doesn't immediately turn into a mass of quivering flesh, then they have no soul and most likely has the sexual desires of a pug-nosed eunuch.
8) Guess the Meat
Again, you will need a blindfold to enjoy this *game*. Is it Kolbassa, is it a tube steak? Are you dipping your manlihood into a turkey with all the stuffings, or is it 7 pounds of liver? Let your mind wander, try to wrap your brain around these thoughts. Titillating, isn't it?
9) Mr. And Mrs Dress-up
Fantasy sex role-playing games are so 1997, why even bother? Forget about dressing up as a fireman and having your lady dress up as Xena, you need to try something different. Try dressing up as a fisherman and having your lady dress up as a seal. Let's call this one "The great seal hunt". Chase your woman around the house with a club with a spike through it, and have her writhe around your shag carpet making pathetic seal noises. If she covers herself with ketchup, and you rub a few cods over your body, you will have the perfect sexual scenario that is guaranteed to make both of you begging for more.
10) Prostitute Night
As the saying goes, "All men want a whore in the bedroom and a virgin outside of it", or something like that. Prostitution night is especially great if your woman doesn't actually have a job. Next time before you have sex, take out 20 bucks and throw it at the feet of your sprawled out lover. For added effect, the woman should apply some form of make-up to give the appearance that she is covered in welts, contusions, and canker sores. Name calling, ass-slapping, and spitting should all be involved in prostitution night, as the idea of any good game is to be as realistic as possible. Oh, and poke a hole in the condom, or better yet, don't even wear one.
I hope this helps.
A few of the suggestions made are: Go bird watching, take dance lessons, exercise together, and making a bottle of wine an *event*. Holy fucking boring, Batman.
I've decided to compile my own list, "10 Way better ways to enjoy your partner*. These are 10 can't miss ways that, if followed correctly, will make you enjoy the hell out of your partner.
1) Roofie Roulette
Fill 6 shot glasses with Jack Daniels and slip a roofie into one of the drinks. Have your partner, who was blindfolded when you slipped the roofie in the drink, take off her blindfold and mix all the shot glasses up. Start drinking until one of the two of you passes out. After the body is completely disabled, treat them like a farm boy treats a sheep. Just go to town and don't worry about the consequences.
2) Ball gag and Executioner Hood Tuesday
Let's face it, Tuesdays are the third crappiest day of the week, but it doesn't have to be that way. What's hotter than watching your lover prepare your steak while wearing a ball-gag? I'll tell you, watching your lover prepare your steak while wearing a ball-gag and an executioners mask.
3) Insult A-Rama Night
Nothing is hotter than make-up sex. And there isn't a better way to hurt a woman's feelings than calling her a filthy pig. Just like there isn't a better way to hurt a man's feelings than telling him he's inadequate. Therefore, dedicate a whole night of brutal insults to each other, and then after the tears flow like Niagara Falls, mount your partner and don't stop pounding her until the neighbor's call the cops, or her uterus falls out.
4) Tell your Man that Your Mother is Dead
If you really love and appreciate your man, you will tell him that your mother got into a horrible car accident and that her body was so disfigured that only dental records could identify her. This is guaranteed to give your man an inner smile and an erection that will be so big that you'll have to buy him new Levi's the next day.
5) Woot Woot and Meow Meow Sex
Sex talk is boring, there's not a guy in the world that believes a woman when they are told that they are sooo huge, and not a woman believes a guy when they tell them they are soooo tight. Put away the lies, they don't work. Try only using the words "Woot Woot", or "Meow Meow" from now on when you're getting intimate. When you're looking up at your man and you're ready to explode, scream out, "MEOW MEOW". When you hear those words, guys, scream back "Woot Woot". Don't ask me how or why, but it will be the best orgasm you have ever had in your strange life.
6) Take an STD test together
Even though you consider your woman or man *fresh* from disease, there's always niggling questions about your lovers health, right? Sure there is, you're only human, and most likely your lover is filled with diseases.
Book an appointment at the doctors and get the full scope of tests run. After you get the results back, you will be so turned on knowing that your lover isn't a filthy, diseased ridden, piece of shit, that you will go into the bedroom and most likely bang them until your brain hemorrhages.
7) Slap a Wal-Mart Employee
No matter what the PC crowd tell you, violence is a major turn on. And who better to slap upside their disgusting head than a Wal-Mart employee? Simply go into a Wal-Mart, and the first employee that you see, walk up to them and beat them like they are a red-headed step-child. If your lover doesn't immediately turn into a mass of quivering flesh, then they have no soul and most likely has the sexual desires of a pug-nosed eunuch.
8) Guess the Meat
Again, you will need a blindfold to enjoy this *game*. Is it Kolbassa, is it a tube steak? Are you dipping your manlihood into a turkey with all the stuffings, or is it 7 pounds of liver? Let your mind wander, try to wrap your brain around these thoughts. Titillating, isn't it?
9) Mr. And Mrs Dress-up
Fantasy sex role-playing games are so 1997, why even bother? Forget about dressing up as a fireman and having your lady dress up as Xena, you need to try something different. Try dressing up as a fisherman and having your lady dress up as a seal. Let's call this one "The great seal hunt". Chase your woman around the house with a club with a spike through it, and have her writhe around your shag carpet making pathetic seal noises. If she covers herself with ketchup, and you rub a few cods over your body, you will have the perfect sexual scenario that is guaranteed to make both of you begging for more.
10) Prostitute Night
As the saying goes, "All men want a whore in the bedroom and a virgin outside of it", or something like that. Prostitution night is especially great if your woman doesn't actually have a job. Next time before you have sex, take out 20 bucks and throw it at the feet of your sprawled out lover. For added effect, the woman should apply some form of make-up to give the appearance that she is covered in welts, contusions, and canker sores. Name calling, ass-slapping, and spitting should all be involved in prostitution night, as the idea of any good game is to be as realistic as possible. Oh, and poke a hole in the condom, or better yet, don't even wear one.
I hope this helps.
posted by The Mayor at 9:33 PM
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