Horoscope for the week of February 6, 2006

Geomancy and your desk. You can influence the outcome of seemingly random events by strategic and magical arrangement of so-called common items on your desk. For beginners, study the placement of the telephone in relation to the paper-clip cup. Observe what the shot-callers and power-brokers are doing in your office. By adding a few golden paperclips to your cup, you can enhance your reputation. Likewise, a chain of paperclips will confuse and confound your rivals. You can get the full details about Office Geomancy when you subscribe to Sargon the Magnificent's Astrology Magazine, in the March Issue!

ARIES Something evil has moved into your garage. It smells bad, and is growing stronger and more powerful. Prepare yourself! Force an underling or expendable minion to search out and confront this peril. You should eat a snack to calm your stomach when the minion walks into the ambush and the subsequent cloud of flying fur, yellow fangs, and nasty sharp claws.

TAURUS On Tuesday you will realize that your boss is an idiot. Spare the witless crackpate your scornful eye and quiet your tongue of steel. Instead, look for rich treasure and prepare to put the office to the sack. Patience, Captain. Recruit a crew and look for a tasty prize to hove-to on Friday. Aaarggh!

GEMINI What a great week! You will discover an new amusement that does not require condoms or clean up! Milk this entertainment for the weeks to come by preparing yourself for fun on Friday night! On the sticky side of decadence, carry taxi fare for an early morning run home after you bed a tasty morsel after your Friday night.

CANCER Some buffoon has placed a flammable object in the oven, so be sure to check it before you pre-heat. Another miscreant has gobbled down the raisins you had been hoarding for the special weekend baking. Their reward is the 'dried plums' they ate in abundance. Ha ha. Prepare for an early spring by inspecting the gardening catalogue.

LEO A witch casts a spell upon your cd player. One of her imps carries off your second most favorite disk, as well, just for spite. But of the many possible crones and hags you know, which one is it? You will find out on Thursday. Till then, eat no food you do not prepare yourself.

VIRGO Trouble in Transit. Resist the urge to push the homeless person under the wheels of the bus, streetcar, or subway train. Be patient, until Thursday. The noxious ones will find their comeupance then.

LIBRA Your housepet is hungry from beyond the grave and needs to be propitiated with a suitable offering. I suggest you feed a homeless person a meal of dog or catfood. Maybe feed the raccoons or skunks. And re-arrange the furniture.

SCORPIO A week of kicks in the ass for your lazy carcass, Scorpio. Get off your derriere and shift gears into high and apply full throttle. Opportunity is knocking and this is no time to admire your nicked sword and dented helmet. Go kick some butt, then get drunk on the weekend. Keep condoms in every room, just in case.

SAGGITAURUS OK, you can channel the wisdom and style of Perry Mason, the world's best defense lawyer and secret society party guy. Now use your supernatural gifts (on loan from God!) to advance your agenda. Be careful who you choose to seduce, as the obvious target is a screamer, and will bite you if you use the 'hand over mouth' method. Most embarassing if this happens at lunch at work on Wednesday.

CAPRICORN Only you and a few others know about the looming electricity outages that will plague Ontario this hot summer to come. Move your assets accordingly and make big profits! When drinking water hits five dollars a bottle, the power will come back on. Lay in a supply of tobacco, coffee, condoms, and toilet paper to make yourself rich, rich, rich!

AQUARIUS Your interest in UFO phenomena is called into question during a meeting on Monday. Are you prepared? What would Kreskin do in your situation? Apply a secret method of mind control and you will advance your cause. Do not wear black at all during the week!

PISCES All seems normal this week, except you keep walking into rooms, offices, and stores where people are having sex. After the third 'happening' you will realize that your new amulet is not properly blessed. Make plans for your garden planting. A lost cat is really just looking for a handout.

Confidential to Paul: Excellent choice of wine, as the Merlot covered the taste of the potion. You are doing well. Move on to the second stage of the operation. We have received the video tape. More money ($10,000) is hidden in the shoe box in the closet, along with the taser, the blueprints, and the module.


I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this, after my backrub but before dinner.