Horoscope for the week of July 3 through July 10, 2005

Aries A plague of locusts will descend upon your vineyard. A two headed calf will be born. You will hear thunder, but there will be no lightning. An invisible hand will write a prophesy on your kitchen wall. Appease the gods with an offering. And when you lend your car, they will not fill it with gas.

Taurus Scouting creatures from an alien intelligence with plans to invade our planet will disturb your peace of mind. Nobody seems to take you seriously until Wednesday, when a mysterious man reveals himself as a government agent determined to stop the aliens. Only eat food you prepare yourself.

Gemini Your Income Tax forms have found. A holistic spa will open secretly in your building, and you will hear strange things through the ventilation system. Try ordering a pizza, you may get a surprise. Your noxious neighbor is getting the junk mail you signed him up for.

Cancer Lock up the ones you love most. Prepare a merry feast for a hungry crowd on Saturday. A silly person will talk to you in the supermarket, beside the broccoli. The dog will throw up on the carpet because it loves you. Eat meat, but feed the cat what he wants.

Leo The toddler will stop screaming when you pour water over its head to cool it down. Stay away from the tuna dip, it has turned. Have fun to the max, you deserve it. Everybody thinks you are the life of the party … but which one are you going to go to?

Virgo You will vent your righteous rage on a miscreant telemarketer on Thursday at dinner. Someone hearing your verbal invective will conceive a lust for your body, and seek to slake it in the darkness by moonlight. Your lottery ticket will be off by one number.

Libra Even space aliens could not disturb your inner peace this week. Who am I to suggest that you consider rearranging the furniture during this time of alignment of the forces of the universe. The clothes dryer will fold your shirts for you when you discover its secrets.

Scorpio You will consider unsavory methods to achieve your ends. Take advantage of a sale of gardening supplies and stock up on quick lime. The neighbors dog takes the hint. Fast food is tasty on Tuesday. Public transit will provide a spiritual experience. Take a condom when you go to the bookstore.

Sagittarius Fire and Raging Conflagration figure prominently in your horoscope this week. You will find romance by firelight, discover heroism as you crawl under the smoke, and experience pain as you recover from burns. Keep some leather gloves handy, you will need them Tuesday.

Capricorn Someone will give you a big bag of dope when you go to a union meeting. Do not let anyone know the un-natural pleasures you have sampled this past weekend. When you do the laundry, you will find the lost sock. When you eat mangoes this week, you will be reminded of decadent pastimes.

Aquarius Cheap beer prices will lead you to the clues you seek about the Illuminati‘s plan of total world domination. Someone is watching your firewood and means to pinch the kindling. Keep your mind focused when you hear a secret whispered behind your back.

Pisces The color blue figures prominently in your horoscope this week. A friends fingernails will turn blue when they breathe too much car exhaust. A stranger will have blue lips when they misjudge the effects of some illicit substance. This week, you should be the designated shaman.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this