Personal Endorsement!

It was a sad day when I went to Rutherford’s funeral. Certainly one of the most hated men in town … or so I would have thought based on the meager entertainments at his funeral. There were few mourners. The coffee was instant. The sermon was short. How sad. Rutherford was loved in his community, and it had come to this. But, it does not have to happen to you.

It is time for you to have peace of mind by investing in a Registered Funeral Investment Plan. Now you can have the certain knowledge that your funeral will be a never to be forgotten event in the social calendar.

Benefits:

Professional mourners, who will weep and wail over your corpse. You can choose how many, what age, and what gender. Have grieving business associates, widowed lovers, or pious churchgoers distraught for your final party. Your final lasting impression is determined by the quality and nature of people who show up at your funeral. It is time to take control and set the stage.

Lavish all you can eat banquet. The food alone will bring in the crowds to wonder at the popularity of the dearly departed you. Let the people remember you as they eat themselves sick in an orgy of binge eating on our specialty chocolates, cheesecakes, and other highest calorie forbidden delights.

This is the 21st century, time to leave the primitive pine box behind. Have your mortal remains lovingly held for eternity by your favorite car or canoe. Have a viking send off, or a traditional shogun wake, or a complex medieval liturgy.

A sermon that will have them in tears. Our professional actors will deliver the sermon you select to give the emotional finishing stroke to the evening of grief over your loss. Imagine your friends and family being moved by one of St. Bernard of Clairvaux calls for the crusade.

If you have to go, go out in a torrent of tears, wailing, and a lavish vegetarian banquet.

Interested? Contact Sargon the Magnificent, here at Mitchieville. Get a Registered Funeral Investment Plan today!