Mitchieville

I'm No Chair Expert...

2008-05-10T22:02:00.003-04:00

but that wood looks like it might be Cherry Wood, perhaps Teak?

Friday Night Man Flesh

2008-05-09T19:29:00.001-04:00

Thanks to Reg aka Logan, I've been obliged to increase my efforts to correct the sexist imbalance in the community. My humble Friday Night Manflesh has been shamelessly copied and mocked, so that now we have a gay Friday Night Manflesh and at least one Friday Female Flesh. Not nice. And then there is the Mayor and his poor choice in female flesh this past week to counter my steamy pieces of man meat. I half expect a Friday Night Animal Flesh will appear for the gratification of bestiality fans.

But all this flesh aside for the moment, let us consider that the more heady citizens are being discriminated against here every Friday night. Looking for thought provoking ideas, they are instead assailed by half naked bodies. Hoping for some civil discussion, they are instead treated to a virtual war in the comment sections. I, Lisa, may be the founding member of *BITCH* but don't let it be said that I don't listen to the people.

Accordingly, I intend to provide some food for thought each and every Friday night. Now Dmorris will have an appropriate response to his wife if she happens to catch him in Mitchieville. Simply explain you are expanding your understanding of economics and read her this observation by Friedrich Hayek.

I have seen it suggested that 'social' applies to everything that reduces or removes differences of income. But why call such action 'social'? Perhaps because it is a method of securing majorities, that is, votes, in addition to those one expects to get for other reasons? This does seem to be so, but it also means of course that every exhortation to us to be 'social' is an appeal for a further step towards the 'social justice' of socialism. Thus use of the term 'social' becomes virtually equivalent to the call for 'distributive justice'. This is, however, irreconcilable with a competitive market order, and with growth or even maintenance of population and of wealth. Thus people have come, through such errors, to call 'social' what is the main obstacle to the very maintenance of 'society'. 'Social' should really be called 'anti-social'.

F.A. Hayek, The Fatal Conceit

Friday Night Man Approved Tattooed Male Flesh

2008-05-09T17:35:00.003-04:00

Let's face it: Guys with tattoos are H-O-T. It's not that a tattoo makes an ugly guy hot. But a tattoo does make an average guy sexy and also makes a sexy guy irresistible. A tattoo is a sure-fire way to spot a bad boy. And we all know that bad boys get all the lady lovin' they want.

Oh, the naughty things we want to do to Benjamin. Just look at those steamy, come-hither eyes. They're so inviting. And that booty -- So round and bubbly. Oops, I almost forgot. This is a post about tattoos. Right, right. There it is... Benjamin has a tribal tattoo on his shoulder! See, I knew there was another reason besides that sweet booty to share him with y'all.

Chris is 100% Grade AAA Beef. He's got that cute-but-dumb trailer-park-hick thing going for him. Heck, who needs a guy to be smart, anyway? All a lady (or dude) really needs in a guy is a couple of hot tattoos and a one-track mind. Post-coital pillow talk is sooo overrated.

Alejandro es muy triste. (That means he is very sad.) He's trying to drown his sorrows with bottle after bottle of cerveza. You see, it all started with Maria. She thought a tattoo would be sexy. So he got one for her. Then she started eyeing Alejandro's best amigo Enrique who had two tattoos. So Alejandro got another to win and keep Maria's heart. Then Maria's attention drifted to Juan who had three tattoos. Alejandro knew what he had to do. Finally Alejandro got one too many tattoos and Maria left him. Poor Alejandro. Maybe he needs a buddy's shoulder to cry on...

Hans is a hot German dude who believes tattoos are one's righteous path to heaven. All of his tattoos are inspired by or represent the wings of angels. I don't think JFK quite had Hans in mind when he proclaimed, "Ich bin ein Berliner." Germans is just crazzzy, yo.

Wow. Talk about a tattoo, huh?! Elliott was named after a very special Disney movie. Can you guess which one? To pay homage to his namesake, Elliott decided to take his tattoo to the next level. I can't decide whether I should be turned on and jump Elliott from behind, or if I should be somewhat afraid of the formidable guardian-of-his-behind. If I had a behind that hot, I suppose I'd want something there protecting it too.

Until next time, remember: Studies show that a weekly dose of Man Flesh actually improves your heterosexual health!

Posted by Logan. Or is it Reg pretending to be Logan? Or Logan pretending to be Reg pretending to be Logan? I guess we'll never truly know for sure...

Friday Night Female Flesh - Tattoo You!

2008-05-09T17:25:00.005-04:00

BIG NEWS IN MITCHIEVILLE!!!

It's tattoo week at Friday Night Female Flesh this week but my regular post has been altered for the news that Canadian girl Jayde Nicole is the 2008 Playboy Playmate of the Year. It gets better, Jayde is from Mitchieville!

The lovely Jayde was born in Scarborough (a part of Toronto) and grew up in Port Perry. It just so happens that His Worship grew up in Scarborough and the great Fenris Badwulf hangs his hat there these days. The Town of Port Perry, located about 40 minutes east of Toronto and a part of Mitchieville Township, is buzzing with the news that Jayde has been named Playmate of the Year. Imagine the pride when residents learn that Port Perry got mentioned at Mitchieville as well! Jayde was Playmate of the Month in January 2007 and must be a huge Aretha Franklin fan as she has the word "RESPECT" tattooed just above her, ahem, panty line. As it is Tattoo Week at Friday Night Female Flesh, I have a totally 100% NSFW close-up of this respectful tattoo right here. Congratulations to Jayde, The Mayor, his Cabinet, and all of Mitchieville are proud of you.

Here's a few other tattooed laden tarts who can't hold a candle to Mitchieville's homegrown Playmate of the Year but I took the time to find them for this post so what the heck:

Mitchieville's 300 Carbon Credits To Fortune & Fame

2008-05-09T07:29:00.004-04:00

You are looking at one of the first prizes in Mitchieville's 300 Carbon Credits To Fortune & Fame contest. And no, I don't mean the French toast and the bacon you see. And no, I don't mean the stylish table cloth or that glass of water (or glass). And no, I don't mean the paper towel dispenser or the candle in the background, nor do I mean those crappy magazines or the little salt shaker. Man, sometimes you people can be a little thick. I'm talking about the maple syrup.

That's right, the first person to accumulate 300 carbon credits will receive a 2L medium, Mennonite made, pure, 100% Canadian Maple Syrup. This is the stuff that kicks all the other maple syrups in the face. This is the kind of maple syrup that looks at Aunt Jemima and spits in her hair. This is the type of maple syrup that dreams are made from. This is the maple syrup that only politicians and oil speculators can afford.

And it can be yours.

We start today. I will ask you 5 random questions about this and that and possibly about the other. Each correct answer is worth 10 carbon credits. On Monday, we will play What's In The Mayor's Lunch?, and on Tuesday, Fenris will continue the contest with his Tuesday Trivia. We live in exciting times, relish the moment.

I will release various different prizes as we go along, slowly, like the drip of an infested, syphilis-ridden rodeo clown. Each week the prizes and excitement mounts, until you, the participants of said games, can't take it any more. Or whatever.

Here are the questions for this week, each worth 10 carbon credits:

1) What current branch of the U.S. military was a corps of only 50 soldiers when World War I broke out?

2) What was a gladiator armed with, in addition to a dagger and spear?

3) What crooner's mother warned him not to change his name to Frankie Satin?

4) What two letters are both symbols for 1,000?

5) Which will yield the most BTUs of energy--a gallon of oil, a pound of coal or a gallon of gasoline?

Keep in mind, even if you only answer a few questions, you will still be in the game. Between this and the other *special games* we will play, you may not do great now, but there will be plenty of chances to catch up.

Also keep in mind that the overall winner will get some great prizes, but I will also hand out individual prizes as we go along.

Man, this is going to be great. Okay, maybe not great, but it sure will be slightly above average, that's my prediction.

New Mitchievillian's are welcome to play, and so are the old and weak.

Thursday Night Female Flesh To Combat The Thursday Night Male Flesh That Lisa Sullied The Pages Of Mitchieville With

2008-05-08T21:51:00.001-04:00

I'm starting to get use to this weekly Female Flesh thing, I hope you're not too offended.

Thursday Man Flesh

2008-05-08T21:30:00.000-04:00

I, Lisa, remind you that I am doing my very best to correct the sexist imbalance and the lack of good taste that exists around here. Check back tomorrow for a special edition of Friday Night Man Flesh (the non-gay version).

Nurse Kate Heals Mitchieville

2008-05-08T18:31:00.002-04:00

Well, nurse Kate has been busy with a lot of long shifts, but I have wiped the poop off my shoes, cleaned the vomit out of my pocket and am quasi-ready to go.

Before I begin however, I will give you the answers to last week's long forgotten quiz: In short, DMorris got them all right except for the first one, which was nutmeg. Remember, it was a SPICE garden. Nutmeg is derived from the seed of the nutmeg fruit, but the fruit itself actually contains compounds that act as a mono-amine oxidase inhibitor (which our mentally ill denizens may recognize as a very old-school anti-depressant). In larger doses, its effects are somewhat akin to MDMA.

1) Andrew has taken up tanning. After handling a batch of goat hide, he notices a small painless blister on his arm. After two days it becomes itchy like a bug bite and is joined by several other itchy bumps around the original site. After 3 days, blisters form which pop to reveal necrotic skin underneath. He also notices that he has a fever, and the area under his arm on the affected side is sore and tender to the touch. What does he have?

2) Chris loves raw shellfish. Several hours after eating a plate of them, he suffers from terrible diarrhea. In fact, he starts to poop out a thin, white watery substance after everything else is already gone. He is also vomiting, and suffering excruciating leg cramps. What doe he have?

3) Dave is a hemophiliac that comes into your clinic. He has been feeling very tired lately and has developed strange black and purple spots on his torso. He also says his mouth always tastes kind of musty and he has white buildup (trick question alert: this is three comorbid diseases presenting at once). What does he have?

4) River Rat is a pretty sedentary fellow who has packed on a few pounds. After a long stint of video games, he notices his calf is very sore when he moves it and tender to the touch. The pain goes away if he doesn't flex the muscle, however the skin is red and the leg is swollen. What does he have?

Timbitten By The Man

2008-05-08T18:11:00.004-04:00

In the biggest Canadian story ever, Nicole Lilliman of London Ontario, was fired by Tim Horton's yesterday for giving a baby a Timbit:

A single mother of four fired yesterday for giving a Timbit to a baby has been rehired by Tim Hortons.

Nicole Lilliman, canned for offering a free blob of dough to the child of a regular customer earlier this week, has been offered a job at another store by the company.

"I'm going to feel awkward, but I'm happy I have a job again," said Lilliman. "Yesterday, was hell. When I told my daughter I lost my job she started crying. She's only six, and she doesn't know, she said 'we won't have any food any more.'"

For those of you not in the know, a Timbit is like a donut hole. It's just a blob of dough dressed up with sugary goodness. Also keep in mind that Tim Horton's has a policy that if anyone using the drive through has a dog with them, the dog automatically gets one free Timbit. As for babies? Fuck them.

Tim Horton's has a zero policy of allowing free food to its customers. Even though a Timbit is worth exactly 16 cents, the rules are what they are. I'm with management on this one, behaviour like this cannot and should not be allowed to continue, it sets a bad precedence.

Put it this way: It always starts out with just a tiny little Timbit, but if these giveaways aren't immediately stopped, it leads to employees giving away larger items like Canadian Maple Donuts. From there the scones are freely dispensed, followed by cookies. Before you know it, the employees are dishing out bagels like there's no tomorrow. After the bagel, inevitably comes the French Vanilla cappuccino which always leads the breakfast sandwiches being dispensed willy-nilly.

I say no!!! At the rate which I'm explaining to you, all that is left at the end are a bunch of well fed fat bastards and a till that's full of nothing but loneliness and the tears of the under-paid management. And quite frankly, I will not live in a world like that.

Nicole Lilliman, you are the devil and you got exactly what you deserved. You are a rabble-rouser and a trouble maker and I'm glad The Man put a stop to your outrageous shenanigans.

Timbitch

NEXT--Play Mitchieville Trivia For Prizes!

ALSO--A Little Linkie Love

Hang Fire

2008-05-08T17:56:00.004-04:00

It used to be that Friday was a special day of the week, Friday was Man Flesh\Female Flesh day. Lately it's been Every Day Of The Damn Week Man\Female Flesh. I assure you I have a 'Little T&A' post worthy of the good name of Friday Night Female Flesh ready for tomorrow night.

The post title and the pic below give a hint as to the theme Logan and I came up with for tomorrow night. Until then, check out this review (with podcast)of the new Iron Man movie and keep your stick on the ice.

The Mayor's Linkie Love

2008-05-08T07:18:00.003-04:00

I haven't been able to access my Yahoo mail for about 4 hours, therefore, the posts I had in mind for this morning are stuck in the Yahoo abyss. I'm not sure if any of you folks have Yahoo mail, but if you don't and are actually thinking about getting it, let me give you a word of advice: Don't.

Most of the times it's quicker to just jot your thoughts down on a piece of paper, strap the paper to a carrier pigeon and send the little bastard on its way. It doesn't matter of you're sending the bird from Newfoundland to Kamchatka, it has a better chance of getting there faster than anything you send through Yahoo mail.

In other words, Yahoo mail is for chumps, and I am one of those said chumps.

Very seldom in your life will you ever see a guy that can shoot as good as this cat. Other than me, of course. Then again, I'm a little bit of special.

Here's that picture that I thought I posted last week but forgot to give you the link to. All's well that ends well.

The Amazing Milk Trick is just that: amazing. That is, it's amazing if you have a small mind and are amazed by the smallest thing. Hahahaha, I put my shirt on inside out.

I'm a big fan of professional photo retouching. I love all that type of stuff, like Photoshop and such. Then again, I loved the Flock of Seagulls in the 80's. Anyway, some guy has a photo retouching service will cool pictures that you'll most likely hate.

Why are Jews in Israel spitting on Christians? To get to the bottom of this, follow this link...

Northwestern Mutual has an interesting site up and running that is dedicated to having you alleviate your worries. It's best just to have a boo to see what it's all about, considering my recommendation means spit.

One thing that everyone in the word can agree upon is that booze is great. If you care to see the history of booze, and why the hell wouldn't you, then today is a day that will live in drunken infamy.

100 Words and Pictures is a site that displays the most popular news events of the day in a unique format that will seem cool at first, but then start to annoy you to the point where you will never come back again. It's worth a look though, just to say you've seen it.

Considering the I'm really starting to hate the environment, 20 Things You Can Use Twice Before Tossing is actually a pretty sensible page that may help to save you some valuable dollars that are meant to be given to our Arab overlords anyways.

From the Website--These guys penetrated the abandoned and sealed science lab of Russian Army which conducted sophisticated experiments studying human and animal brains. They got a lot photos of many test samples in an abandoned state but still excellent condition. You can see even the last Soviet leader Gorbachev that was left in rush - it was the time of his rule when the lab was closed and sealed from civilians.

If Yahoo falls in line and decides to work any time soon, expect a day full of blogging from The Mayor. I have plenty to say today, but without Yahoo, i have very few people to share my nonsense with.

I miss you.

Wednesday Night Female Flesh To Combat The Wednesday Night Male Flesh That Lisa Sullied The Pages Of Mitchieville With

2008-05-07T20:24:00.002-04:00

And now you know why the founding fathers called Wednesday, *Hump Day*.

Baddabing.

Wednesday Man Flesh

2008-05-07T20:06:00.000-04:00

I, Lisa, would like to thank Reg aka Logan for the inspiration to feature steamy examples of man flesh every day of the week, instead of regulating gratification to Friday nights.

What The Devil Is In Their Anus?

2008-05-07T19:32:00.003-04:00

I don't really know an awful lot about medicine. I'm not a doctor, I've never played one on TV, and I've never had sex with anyone in the medical community. Seriously, I've never even made love to a low paid walk-in clinic clerk. Therefore, when it comes to looking at x-rays, I'm about the last person you would ever ask to get a decent opinion from.

Having said that, I've been looking at this x-ray in question, and I'm nearly positive that it's two aliens playing with an IPod while relaxing in someone's anus.

Perhaps I'm wrong, although I highly doubt it.

How about you, do you know What The Devil Is In Their Anus?

Alex Rodriguez And Pressure Do Not Get Along

2008-05-07T18:28:00.005-04:00

Alex Rodriguez' wife, Cynthia Rodriguez, told the YES Network’s YESterday’s program about what a man her husband was during the birth of their first child:

“As tough and big as he seems, he is real wimpy around doctors or any type of medical situation,” Cynthia Rodriguez said, according to excerpts released Tuesday by YES. “I don’t know why I thought the birth of our child would be different. In the middle of the night, I realized that I needed to go to the hospital. I wake him up. The first thing that comes out of his mouth, ‘Can we call your mother?’

"A few hours later, I said, ‘I think you can call my mom now.’ Uh, and the color came back to his face when I told him he could call my mom.”

And when they got to the hospital, things went from bad to worse for Alex:

“The one nurse had a cold cloth on his head. The other nurse had the blood pressure on his arm. And my mother was like rubbing his back. And he is passed out on a couch. And I am there, in the middle of labor,”

“And really, I am not being paid much attention to besides the doctor and a couple of nurses,” she said. “And he is there moaning. In between pushing, I am going, ‘Honey, are you OK?’ and ‘Are you breathing? Are you OK?'"

Has Alex Rodriguez ever come through in the clutch? I thought not.

I know that it's hard for some guys to watch their child being born, some guys can get a little queasy. I fully understand that. However, it's not as if the doctor asked Alex to field the kid when it popped out of the shoot, all he had to do is stand beside his wife, rub her hand and talk to her. No one asked him to stick on a rubber glove and pull the kid out, he didn't even have to see the mess, all he had to do was show up and support his wife.

But that wouldn't be Alex Rodriguez, oh no. Alex is such a self-absorbed prick that he had to make the birth of his kid all about him. Alex needed his widdle backy wubbed cuz he was feeling sicky-poo. Alex needed a nurse to put a cold towwa on his widdle head because he wasn't feeling well. Alex this, Alec that, boo hoo.

Hey, Rodriguez, how about you finally start to cowboy the fuck up for a change. Just because there's pressure doesn't mean you have to fold faster than an illegal at a dry cleaners.

Spine, meet Alex Rodriguez, I know you two haven't met before...

Kooki The Clown Defrauds 90 Year Old

2008-05-07T18:10:00.003-04:00

Kooki the Clown has been arrested in California after duping a 90 year old woman out of her life savings:

"The woman's husband passed away in 2002. She (Williams-Thompson) gained power of attorney soon after that.

She said that the victim and her bank noticed that Williams-Thompson appeared to be "making unusual use" of the victim's money. According to a police press release, Williams-Thompson used the victim's money to buy homes, vehicles, a fifth-wheel trailer and more.

Cahall said the elderly need to be on the lookout for someone trying to defraud them.

The first piece of advice I would give the elderly is to avoid giving the power of attorney to anyone that has a big red nose, extra long shoes, and has an unusual knack for making balloon animals. Also, if they ask to see your wallet and then return it empty, that isn't magic, that's theft.

You may want to write that down.

Abracadabra, you're broke!

A Victim's Perspective

2008-05-07T17:16:00.001-04:00

Josef Fritzl, the monster who imprisoned his daughter in an underground cellar for 24 years and impregnated her seven times, is now saying the media is being unfair to him.

Fritzl, 73 claimed that media coverage was “unfair” and “entirely one-dimensional”, given the fact that he did not kill his daughter and the children he produced with her during 24 years of sexual abuse in a subterranean bunker in Amstetten.

“I am no monster,” Fritzl said though his lawyer Rudolf Mayer, according to the German tabloid newspaper Bild.

“I could have killed all of them, and no one would have known. No one would have ever found (sic) about it.”

I suppose he is a victim of society too?

Just Because I Can....

2008-05-07T16:27:00.003-04:00

The orginal man, in the flesh:

What Mental Afflcition Ravishes Sean Penn's Brain?

2008-05-07T07:24:00.004-04:00

If only his finger was loaded.

Mental disorders are about as common in Hollyweird as adultery, drunk driving and drug addictions. If you want to see the level of insanity that most Hollyweird stars possess, simply stick a mic in front of their gaping maws and ask them their views on politics.

Sean Penn is no exception, of course. The difference though between Sean Penn and your average Hollyweird mental patient is that Sean Penn just doesn't stop at making anti-American speeches at home, he travels and talks...and talks and talks and blabbers, and whines, and bitches, blah blah fucking blah, that insufferable, miserable prick.

Sean Penn continuously rambles on about George Bush, the Iraq war and the cycle of violence war causes. Yet Sean Penn never worried about the cycle of violence when he was having his violent outbursts against reporters, or when he was beating Madonna to a pulp. That's why he was arrested twice and his marriages all ended in divorce, because of his out of control temper.

What Mental Affliction is Penn's Brain Ravished With? Well, he was married to Madonna and dated Susan Sarandon for a while, but I'm not sure if blindness and bad taste is a mental disorder.

If I was to guess, I would say that Sean Penn is a violent psychotic. He may very well be a violent sociopath. Hell, he's probably a violent sociopathic psychotic.

What do you think: What Mental Afflcition Ravishes Sean Penn's Brain?

Tuesday Night Female Flesh To Combat The Tuesday Night Male Flesh That Lisa Sullied The Pages Of Mitchieville With

2008-05-06T21:20:00.002-04:00

Hey, dmorris, call your wife in right now. Now pretend to look for a book and keep this picture open so she can see it. That should clear up any thought that you're a ...well, you know....you're a guy that likes, how shall we say....showtunes and The View?

Now go make sweet love to your beautiful wife. Twice.

Tuesday Manflesh

2008-05-06T20:47:00.000-04:00

I, Lisa, founding member of *BITCH*, continue to cater to the man flesh starved Mitchieville community. You are welcome dmorris.

What The Devil Is In Their Anus?

2008-05-06T18:32:00.003-04:00

We had many interesting replies to yesterday's question, "What the Devil is in Their Anus?" Dmorris thought it was a stick of powerfrac 100. Close, but no cigar, dmorris. Aaron thought it might have been some form of club. Reg said that he thought it was an inanimate carbon rod. I think we may have a weiner!

However, Mark Nicodemo had the best story of the night:

I worked at a Catholic hospital until 2001. While there, someone told me a story of a man who visited the Emergency Room registration and needed to see a dr. quick. Naturally, the registrar asked what was the nature of his problem. Patient refused to answer. Once in the E.R., the patient told the doctor that he had lodged a sex toy in his rectum and could not get it out. Thanks to some invasive tactics on the part of the doctor, eventually the rather long object was removed. It was placed in a plastic baggy, and the patient was sent home (to fill his anus again). Once he was gone, the nurses and doctors took turns swatting at each other with the honorary ass-stick.

Is anyone else clenching right now?

As for today's answer, I have no bloody idea. I know one thing for sure though: The ass is meant as an exit, not an entrance.

Any ideas, What The Devil Is In Their Anus?

Big Brother May Not Be Watching You

2008-05-06T18:12:00.004-04:00

Mick Neville, head of New Scotland Yard's Visual Images, has described Britain's CCTV (the series of cameras throughout Britain that are meant to deter crime), as a *fiasco* that has very little effect on crime:

"Billions of pounds has been spent on kit, but no thought has gone into how the police are going to use the images and how they will be used in court. It's been an utter fiasco: only three per cent of crimes were solved by CCTV."

Among the reasons why the cameras are ineffective, include:

He said investigating officers don't like looking through CCTV images "because it's hard work".

???

Perhaps investigating officers in Britain have a different role than investigating officers in Mitchieville do. In Mitchieville, investigating officers are officers that investigate. Clearly, in Britain, investigating officers are actually sloth-like welfare recipients that fear hard work.

The article goes on to explain that most cameras do not provide good enough images to identify people and that police often do not get access to relevant images regardless of their quality. Also, the sytem isn't networked, so if an officer in precinct A needs an image from precinct Q, that officer has to travel across the country to get his/her hands on the image.

There is a solution though:

The comments seem to be a demand for more and better CCTV, rather than a reversal of the UK's love affair with surveillance and reactive policing.

In other words, although billions and billions have been spend to put in place a system that is an utter and complete failure, if they just had a few more billion, they could fix the collosal mess they started.

Sounds reasonable, do you accept Mastercard?

The First Cut Is The Deepest--Yes It Is

2008-05-06T18:06:00.002-04:00

As a show of solidarity to The Mayor, MACCO, Mitchieville's American Canadian CIA Operative (the River Rat), went EMO, or EMU, or whatever you call those terribly sad looking outcasts, and decided today was the day to indulge in some body art and show The Mayor that his support is strong and true.

I think it looks good. So good in fact that I have commissioned Fenris to round up the homeless of Mitchieville and have their faces tattooed with the same slogan.

And you thought the homeless were useless. Shame on you.

Trivia Tuesday, May 6, 2008

2008-05-06T17:42:00.004-04:00

1) In Western cultural traditions, if you 'push a man too far' he will:

a) write a letter to the local Bolshevik newspaper which is the author of the progressive legislation that has taxed him into poverty.
b) call the 1-800 distress line and try to get a free perscription to psych meds.
c) shoot a member of his extended family in the head.
d) hunt you down.

Obviously, anything but d. Our modern, hippy enlightened collection of village people does not need anything similar to Vimy Ridge Canadians.

2) According to the revealed wisdom of devotees of Set, the Snake God, you will be asked questions by the Weigher of Souls. Select the three best answers:

a) Where does Mars fall in your natal horoscope?
b) Who are you to seek admission into Elysium?
c) What is the weight of the golden amulet that you have buried with your Heart?
d) When is the date of your birthday?
e) Why should you give out your credit card to telemarketers?

Well, a b c are the better answers. The Weigher of Souls already knows your birthdate (it is written on your mummy). You should always give your credit information to telemarketers, but you will not be asked this when you enter Elysium

3) When you are strangling someone you do not like, how many minuites should you count down on your wrist watch as you wait for complete brain death?

It takes five minuites for complete brain death. Anything less and you are left with a vegetable. Mind you, under two minuites and you have an angry victim ... but in our modern hippy culture that is a collection of village people, he will probably just write a letter to the Toronto Star.

4) What subway station is closest to the Ontario Law Society offices in Toronto?

Osgoode, of course. As for the existance of the Ontario Club, where our legal overlords hang out, that you are going to have to take on spec.

5) When you push someone off a building that is under five stories in height, should you be prepared to administer first aid, or just call the organ broker?

Under five stories and you need to administer first aid. Five to seven and you have a cripple. Over seven, get ready to decant and sell their blood.

Questions, now:

1) In chess, are you permitted to castle after being placed in check?

2) In astrology, which house is called 'the house of self-undoing'?

3) How many stereoisomers of sugar (monosaccharide) are there?

4) During the second world war, in what country was located the production facilities for the Panzer II?

5) If you are confronted by a bear (hungry, angry, or otherwise), you should:

a) try to understand their viewpoint
b) encourage more spending on bear habitat protection
c) rub your own feces in your hair and form dreadlocks so as to engender sympathy in the bear
d) try to act like a moose, deer, or elk
e) shot the creature in the heart

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this